When you are going through struggles
I ask that all of you bear with me through my evolution. I asked the Holy Spirit to guide me in writing the blog today so that I may be able to open up and share. Sharing and revealing hurts, but it must be done in order guide me closer to the Lord.
Its been said that people who truly care about you bring out the best of you. When you are going through struggles of releasing your past ways to transform, those who may or may not know you will spot it. They will tell you what you do not wish to hear. You may fight it, accept it, or ignore it. The old Shani would ignore it. The Shani now that is going through a transition can only take it in, learn from it, and fix it.
Today is one of those revealing days. It started this morning. I was holding on to something that I should have let go awhile back, but I didn’t; that specific something about myself may not be important to all, but more so to myself. Sometimes what we see or hear at a certain time in our life is a reflection of our inner being. Right now I am transforming from the selfish little girl that ran away from her problems. I now am having to be a woman, stand, and face them head-on. I was a runner. Whenever something didn’t go my way or the way I felt it needed to be done, I would run. When I didn’t get the right amount of time that I felt I deserved, I would run. I would pretend to be strong, act as if nothing ever happened, but deep down I covered up that pain. Eventually that pain catches up with you. Today it did for me. A dear friend of mine brought that to my attention. I know my faults, I always have, it’s just I didn’t want to deal with them. I would brush them off and move on with my life as if no one or nothing could stop me. The Lord has different plans! I am working on dealing with relationships. I have been in and out of them as long as I can remember; be it with friends, family, or men. No longer must I turn my back.
My cousin talked to me today and said that “you are at your strongest when you are in your weakest moment.” She stated that if in fact the relationship that I am in now is suppose to happen, it will. “He is only trying to build you up and the Lord is using him to bring you closer to your calling.” That calling is ordering my steps with Christ. She read to me while I listened and read along with her, II Corinthians 12:7-10. Then she explained to me that I need to keep praying and draw nearer to the Lord. The Lord uses people, even if they do not last in your life forever, to show you that you still have work that needs to be done. I still have work to do with myself. I came to the conclusion that if this relationship does or does not work, I have learned so many things about myself. I am yet still a frightened child inside, but I press on. If I scare friends away while not meaning to in my process of growth, the Lord is showing me the steps that I need to take to better myself in Him.
I apologize to those who I have hurt in the past and ask for forgiveness. I also forgive myself. If you are also trying to grow and change from your old ways, read the same verses that my cousin suggested I read this morning. Also listen to the words of this song Even Me by Chrystal Aikin. God Bless you always. Growth is not easy, it hurts, brings forth tears, and pain. In the end it is for the better good, being nearer to Christ. Know that you are worthy!
Even Me
I don’t deserve, the love You’ve shown
The blood You’ve shed, covers my wrong
Beyond my voice, oh, Lord you sing
And said You’d still use, use even me
Oh Lord I’ve tried, to do my best
Although sometimes, I do much less
You’ve called my name and, and I ran away
But still You called me, another day
Yes even me Lord, Even me
Though scarred and broken, and unworthy
My guilty stains, You washed them clean
And said You’d still use, use even me
Sometimes I fall, and make mistakes
But brand new mercies, You show everyday
You are my strength, when I get weak
And out of the darkness, You lifted me
Yes even me Lord, even me
Though scarred and broken, and unworthy
My guilty stains, You washed them clean
And said You’d still use, use even me
Oh even me, even me, Lord use even me
Though I am scarred and broken, scarred and broken and unworthy
My guilty stains, You washed them clean
But You coulda used anybody else, anybody else
but Lord, You still used me.
Its been said that people who truly care about you bring out the best of you. When you are going through struggles of releasing your past ways to transform, those who may or may not know you will spot it. They will tell you what you do not wish to hear. You may fight it, accept it, or ignore it. The old Shani would ignore it. The Shani now that is going through a transition can only take it in, learn from it, and fix it.
Today is one of those revealing days. It started this morning. I was holding on to something that I should have let go awhile back, but I didn’t; that specific something about myself may not be important to all, but more so to myself. Sometimes what we see or hear at a certain time in our life is a reflection of our inner being. Right now I am transforming from the selfish little girl that ran away from her problems. I now am having to be a woman, stand, and face them head-on. I was a runner. Whenever something didn’t go my way or the way I felt it needed to be done, I would run. When I didn’t get the right amount of time that I felt I deserved, I would run. I would pretend to be strong, act as if nothing ever happened, but deep down I covered up that pain. Eventually that pain catches up with you. Today it did for me. A dear friend of mine brought that to my attention. I know my faults, I always have, it’s just I didn’t want to deal with them. I would brush them off and move on with my life as if no one or nothing could stop me. The Lord has different plans! I am working on dealing with relationships. I have been in and out of them as long as I can remember; be it with friends, family, or men. No longer must I turn my back.
My cousin talked to me today and said that “you are at your strongest when you are in your weakest moment.” She stated that if in fact the relationship that I am in now is suppose to happen, it will. “He is only trying to build you up and the Lord is using him to bring you closer to your calling.” That calling is ordering my steps with Christ. She read to me while I listened and read along with her, II Corinthians 12:7-10. Then she explained to me that I need to keep praying and draw nearer to the Lord. The Lord uses people, even if they do not last in your life forever, to show you that you still have work that needs to be done. I still have work to do with myself. I came to the conclusion that if this relationship does or does not work, I have learned so many things about myself. I am yet still a frightened child inside, but I press on. If I scare friends away while not meaning to in my process of growth, the Lord is showing me the steps that I need to take to better myself in Him.
I apologize to those who I have hurt in the past and ask for forgiveness. I also forgive myself. If you are also trying to grow and change from your old ways, read the same verses that my cousin suggested I read this morning. Also listen to the words of this song Even Me by Chrystal Aikin. God Bless you always. Growth is not easy, it hurts, brings forth tears, and pain. In the end it is for the better good, being nearer to Christ. Know that you are worthy!
Even Me
I don’t deserve, the love You’ve shown
The blood You’ve shed, covers my wrong
Beyond my voice, oh, Lord you sing
And said You’d still use, use even me
Oh Lord I’ve tried, to do my best
Although sometimes, I do much less
You’ve called my name and, and I ran away
But still You called me, another day
Yes even me Lord, Even me
Though scarred and broken, and unworthy
My guilty stains, You washed them clean
And said You’d still use, use even me
Sometimes I fall, and make mistakes
But brand new mercies, You show everyday
You are my strength, when I get weak
And out of the darkness, You lifted me
Yes even me Lord, even me
Though scarred and broken, and unworthy
My guilty stains, You washed them clean
And said You’d still use, use even me
Oh even me, even me, Lord use even me
Though I am scarred and broken, scarred and broken and unworthy
My guilty stains, You washed them clean
But You coulda used anybody else, anybody else
but Lord, You still used me.
