Blended Families – Are The Successful?
I wrote this post in February on another social network website and noted just how difficult this can be as well as the limited success of these types of relationships. This will be a two part post. I will provide later what I discovered in my research and then give additional information in the next post that I will call “The Blend.” This post may be long but worth the read if you are interested in blending your children with another person.
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Since June of 2003, I’ve been studying blended families and wondering if they can be successful. Why? I was going through a divorce with two children and I knew that there will be others in both of our lives. My ex and I get along very well because we focus on our children and their happiness. We call it happy divorce. What I didn’t expect was how others would treat my children and I just had to know.
My ex remarried within three months after our divorce was final in 2004. He was a nice young man without any kids of his own. This is where the problems started and she ended up divorcing him because of the kids.
So do blended families work? I’ve studied 86 families and viewed over 375 relationships. The results were not very good. I only found 5 families that lasted over 3 years. Can you believe this, 5!! I had to find out why and this is why it is very hard.
As I said before in another post, you will need too many adults agreeing for a common purpose. We start with 4 adults of each child and their immediately family e.g. Grand parents, uncles, and aunts.
It is just very hard to manage all of these personalities but not impossible if the two who are married have the proper skill sets to handle this matter.
Now I’ve met 5 families where each was working on all cylinders. They had problems but were able to work them out.
Here is what I noticed: Keep in mind that there are exceptions but it is what I found.
- A single woman with children marries a single man can work but usually it can be successful when the father is not in those children lives. I’ve seen exception but very, very few.
- A single woman without children marries and single man with children usually works best because most women have more compassion. However, if he has a teenage daughter for some reason I would always see major problems.
- A single woman without children marries and divorced man with children for some reason more difficult for the single woman. However, again, if he has a teenage daughter for some reason I would always see major problems.
- A single man with children marries a single woman and I’ve seen this work especially when the mother is not in those children lives.
- Divorced couples with both of them having two or more small children even if they have teenager or adults children each when they marries and I have to admit that I did not find a single relationship that lasted over 2 years.
- Divorced couples with both of them having one small child each marries and I have seen success with this for some reason. Maybe there are fewer personalities to deal with.
- Divorced mothers with two or more children living at home marries a man with adult kids did not work period in my research. Now keep in mind that this was the relationship that I studied. I am sure that there are exceptions.
- Divorced mother with adults kids marries a divorced man with small children did not work either in my research.
- Divorced mother with adult kids marries a divorced man with one small child worked out ok in my research.
- Single mother with adults kids marries a single man with small children did not work either in my research.
I could go on and on. We know that blended families are here to stay and it will take time to work out all of the issues facing us today. What I find sad is that so many people never think about this while seeking love.
One major factor is parenting style. It has to be the same or it just will not work. However, it is usually never detected prior to marriage. This is why it is difficult for blended families. One major problem I noticed was men blaming women for loving their son too much and vice versa.
What I’m finding is that most will find someone who actually love them better when it just you and them. When you include the children, it another thing and has been the demised of many relationships.
Tell me what you think or success stories you know about. Most women get angry at me when I show them my research because it is a belief that they can still have that fairytale relationship.
I need to say this and be clear.
According to my research: If you have two or more children living at home with you, it is very, very difficult to find a man who will have that “provider mentality” if he is not coming home to his own children. He is usually different with your children, you may never know but you kids will know.
If your previous husband was a provider, just know that it may be impossible to find another one just like him.
Men have a provider mentality to their wives but it is different when it is not his children and especially if there are more than two. For the most part it goes away and this is what I’ve found in my research. It may be sad but it’s the truth. The only exception I’ve seen is with men with great resources who have the ability to keep his distant from the family because of his work.
If you have resources as a woman, then this will also be an exception.
But if you are looking to be a stay at home, this will not be the case with your new man unless you are caring for his children. Not impossible, but I did not find this anywhere in my study.
-------
Since June of 2003, I’ve been studying blended families and wondering if they can be successful. Why? I was going through a divorce with two children and I knew that there will be others in both of our lives. My ex and I get along very well because we focus on our children and their happiness. We call it happy divorce. What I didn’t expect was how others would treat my children and I just had to know.
My ex remarried within three months after our divorce was final in 2004. He was a nice young man without any kids of his own. This is where the problems started and she ended up divorcing him because of the kids.
So do blended families work? I’ve studied 86 families and viewed over 375 relationships. The results were not very good. I only found 5 families that lasted over 3 years. Can you believe this, 5!! I had to find out why and this is why it is very hard.
As I said before in another post, you will need too many adults agreeing for a common purpose. We start with 4 adults of each child and their immediately family e.g. Grand parents, uncles, and aunts.
It is just very hard to manage all of these personalities but not impossible if the two who are married have the proper skill sets to handle this matter.
Now I’ve met 5 families where each was working on all cylinders. They had problems but were able to work them out.
Here is what I noticed: Keep in mind that there are exceptions but it is what I found.
- A single woman with children marries a single man can work but usually it can be successful when the father is not in those children lives. I’ve seen exception but very, very few.
- A single woman without children marries and single man with children usually works best because most women have more compassion. However, if he has a teenage daughter for some reason I would always see major problems.
- A single woman without children marries and divorced man with children for some reason more difficult for the single woman. However, again, if he has a teenage daughter for some reason I would always see major problems.
- A single man with children marries a single woman and I’ve seen this work especially when the mother is not in those children lives.
- Divorced couples with both of them having two or more small children even if they have teenager or adults children each when they marries and I have to admit that I did not find a single relationship that lasted over 2 years.
- Divorced couples with both of them having one small child each marries and I have seen success with this for some reason. Maybe there are fewer personalities to deal with.
- Divorced mothers with two or more children living at home marries a man with adult kids did not work period in my research. Now keep in mind that this was the relationship that I studied. I am sure that there are exceptions.
- Divorced mother with adults kids marries a divorced man with small children did not work either in my research.
- Divorced mother with adult kids marries a divorced man with one small child worked out ok in my research.
- Single mother with adults kids marries a single man with small children did not work either in my research.
I could go on and on. We know that blended families are here to stay and it will take time to work out all of the issues facing us today. What I find sad is that so many people never think about this while seeking love.
One major factor is parenting style. It has to be the same or it just will not work. However, it is usually never detected prior to marriage. This is why it is difficult for blended families. One major problem I noticed was men blaming women for loving their son too much and vice versa.
What I’m finding is that most will find someone who actually love them better when it just you and them. When you include the children, it another thing and has been the demised of many relationships.
Tell me what you think or success stories you know about. Most women get angry at me when I show them my research because it is a belief that they can still have that fairytale relationship.
I need to say this and be clear.
According to my research: If you have two or more children living at home with you, it is very, very difficult to find a man who will have that “provider mentality” if he is not coming home to his own children. He is usually different with your children, you may never know but you kids will know.
If your previous husband was a provider, just know that it may be impossible to find another one just like him.
Men have a provider mentality to their wives but it is different when it is not his children and especially if there are more than two. For the most part it goes away and this is what I’ve found in my research. It may be sad but it’s the truth. The only exception I’ve seen is with men with great resources who have the ability to keep his distant from the family because of his work.
If you have resources as a woman, then this will also be an exception.
But if you are looking to be a stay at home, this will not be the case with your new man unless you are caring for his children. Not impossible, but I did not find this anywhere in my study.
These families can work if both partners from both families are committed to making them work. It's not easy, but they can and do work with lots of effort.