Why Do So Many Black Women Decide To Have Kids With Men Who Don't Want Marriage? (597 hits)
I realize that this is a controversial topic, however, it needs to be addressed. Why are so many beautiful black women deciding to have kids with men who are not going to marry them and help them provide for and care for their children? It is not fair to work grandma into the the ground. Let her enjoy her golden years. In most cases, our mothers and grandmothers worked full time while raising children. Let them be free. Don't put the grandmother in an early grave just because you want to have a baby with a loser.
Do many of us have low self-esteem and just think we're unworthy of love, marriage, and a home? Are some of us just attracted to the guy that cannot provide? Why do some of us allow this? Is it that black men just have too many choices? I see them marrying white women and women of other races. Why not marry a black woman? Black women need to open up the realm of possibilities to men of other races because I only see the black women suffering. Black women are working like slaves trying to work two and three jobs, take care of children, and go to school at the same time. I really would like to see black men step up. I would also like to see black women stop settling for less.
I'm married. I did not have children or pregnancies prior to marriage.
Nicole, good article. My question is why do I only see Black Men with women other than black and black women alone or with children?
Friday, September 12th 2008 at 8:22PM
Esther Pinkston
But I will ask... why do black men have so many choices in the type women they can choose from? hmmmmm.
Friday, September 12th 2008 at 8:37PM
Jen Fad
You can make this issue about race or about the character of the person. I myself was married for 6 years and together with him for 4 years prior to getting married. I lost a child with him while married and decided that I wasn't going to try again until I got my body in good health. However, I only wanted to have children with my husband because that is the way i was raised. I'm a black woman. It is the values and morals of a person that promotes their actions not their race.
Friday, September 12th 2008 at 9:52PM
Dina Harbour
Nicole,
Thanks for sharing. Being an african american woman who is a single parent. I can relate to this. I am in no way offended. I realize even for myself I have settled for LESS too many times too many instead of being content in my singleness and waiting for God to bringthat person in my life. I am glad you are sharing this because it is time for many african american women to bring this generational curse cycle that is going on. Where I live there are more than 2-3 generations of women who have children outside of marriage. You have girls who live here and their mothers, and their mother's mother. It's a cycle that has to break. I see more programs in the schools speaking about having safe s*x than sharing about abstinence at a young age. My son is now 10 and from time to time I share things with him. I think you shouldn't wait until your child is in the teens. You need to break the cycle now when they start asking questions about their body parts, s*x where they can understand and they can be comfortable to talk to you. But when you have the women treating their daughters and son's as high school friends you see lack of respect and authority. I will read more of your blog and respond when the time is permitted.
Monday, September 15th 2008 at 12:49PM
Rachel Baldwin
Responding back to this last topic. To get things back on track. Why do some of us decide to have children with men who don't want to marry them? (Rachel: It's low selfesteem and it is an on going pattern unfortunately. )
If the men have not prepared themselves financially, educationally, or emotionally --they're not ready for marriage or parenthood. When I was single and at the point where I was looking for someone to marry, I tried to be the type of person that I wanted to attract. I knew that I wanted someone educated. So, I stayed in school. I knew I wanted someone physically attractive. So, I worked out. I knew I wanted someone who could potentially help me provide a nice home for the children we would one day have together (after marriage). So, I applied for jobs that paid more, worked extra hours, took work home, and took extra classes to help me in the field that I worked in. My response: Nicole, all these things are good but do it because it is what you want. It's nothing wrong with having someone but let God send that man your direction. Focus on you . My problem is with people who really don't work on themselves, don't even bother trying to find a decent mate, and then have children that they pawn off on relatives. My response: Nicole, yeah, many tried to put this responsibility on their parents but it is their responsibility.
Or, if they have the children living with them, they really don't provide a good environment for those kids. If you don't know of people like that then you are lucky. I used to live in Philadelphia and I saw it all the time. Then, I moved to a suburb in Maryland and I still saw some of it going on. A lot more people in the suburbs were getting married and having traditional families. There are a lot of people who want to party and have s*x and not bother with responsibility. We all have different experiences and that is fine. Don't get angry at people for having a different experience. Also, try to understand that your experience is not the only experience out there. People need to be respectful of one another too. Don't assume a lot of negatives about someone because they don't agree with you or they have a different experience.
We just have to do ALOT of self-examination about ourselves. We don't have to validate who we are to no man. All of this is low-esteem. I can relate to these. I saw this all the time too.
