Before Conflict Arises, Marriage Message 352 (107 hits)
The best place to start dealing with conflict is before a conflict arises. That'sright, BEFORE a conflict arises. Every couple has their own combination of attitudes,emotions, and circumstances that set them up for conflict, but most couples aretotally unaware of what they are.
As you begin to identify the factors that precedeyour most frequent conflicts, you will discover a gold mine of insights to help youdeal more effectively with those conflicts once they arise." The above quote is written by Gary and Carrie Oliver who wrote a wonderful bookentitled, "MAD About US" published by Bethany House. We wish that everyone couldobtain this book because it can helps to explain different aspects of anger andconflict and how to deal with them in ways that are healthy.
We are going to share with you several quotes and seven steps that they have within this book. They have a LOT more say that would be helpful if you could read it, but we're giving youwhat we can hoping it will be a good start to dealing with your own areas ofconflict with each other (and those of you who can obtain the book may want to do so in order to learn more). In an edited version, they write: "Regardless of the severity of conflict, we've found that constructive conflictmanagement is always easier when you have a plan. Over the past 20 years we'veworked with hundreds of couples who have told us that the following seven stepshave helped them turn conflict from something they feared to an opportunity toincrease understanding and intimacy.
STEP 1: DEFINE THE ISSUE, PRAY, LISTEN, AND SEEK UNDERSTANDING. ...Remember this:You will NEVER resolve what you don't understand. Human nature dictatesthat it is virtually impossible to accept advice (let alone criticism)from someone unless you feel that they are trying to understand you. Ifyou want your spouse to understand you, the starting place is for you totake the initiative in understanding them. Answering the following questions will help you better understand and define the issue. Whoseissue is it? What kind of issue is it? Is there more than one issueinvolved? Most people have spent hours engaged in conflicts that involved several issues. It'shard enough to manage one issue. It's almost impossible to deal with several issuesat the same time. If there is more than one issue, decide which is most urgent. Whichis most important? What order should we take them in? If you can't agree, then choosethe least volatile issue first.
If you can't agree on that, then just flip a coin.Yes, that may sound silly, but we've been flipping coins for years and it works. What is my spouse's core concern? A critical part of defining an issue is to take timeto understand the heart and the perspective of your spouse. In fact, this may be oneof the greatest contributions healthy conflict makes to the growth of intimacy in amarriage. The Bible has a lot to say about the power of seeking understanding.
Proverbs 4:7 says "Though it cost you all you have, get understanding." Listening isone of the most powerful intimacy builders in any relationship because listening leads to understanding. That's why James exhorts us to "be quick to listen, slow tospeak" (1:19). When you choose to listen to another person, you are saying that youvalue them and their concerns and that they are worth taking the time to understand.An open ear is the sure sign of an open heart. ...What is my core concern? After you've chosen to listen, hear, and understand yourspouse, it will be important for you to identify and clarify your own core concern....Once you define the problem, and before going further, commit this specificconflict -- as well as your desire to deal with conflict in a healthier and moremature manner -- to God in prayer. In 1 Thessalonians 5:17, we're encouraged to "praywithout ceasing." STEP
2: HOW IMPORTANT IS IT? IS IT A HIGH-TICKET OR A LOW-TICKET ITEM? Once you have defined the issue, the next step is to determine just how important itis. Many of the conflicts in marriage can be traced to personal idiosyncrasies, minorannoyances, or passing irritations. Researchers tell us that only 31 percent of acouple's major continuing disagreements are about issues that they will be able toresolve. The rest, 69 percent, are about irresolvable perpetual problems -- that is,fundamental differences in personalities or basic needs -- that will never getresolved but that we need to learn how to manage and deal with. Some differences demand confrontation, while others are simply a part of living withsomeone else.
We all have our frustrating annoyances and idiosyncrasies and so do ourspouses. It's just that ours seem so much less weird, unusual, and even bizarre thantheirs. Before you allow an issue to consume too much of your time, ask yourself,"How important is this?"
STEP 3: ASK YOURSELF: "WHAT IS MY CONTRIBUTION TO THE PROBLEM?" It's amazing that whenever there is a conflict we usually have little difficulty identifying our spouse's contribution to the problem, but we can be substantiallyblinded to our own. It's fascinating how very clear many of us can be about how"they" need to change, what "they" could do differently, and how "they" could listenbetter. ...Proverbs 25:12 (TLB) tells us, "It is a badge of honor to accept validcriticism." Those are sound words. Listen to what the other person has to say. Even if 90 percent of what they are saying is invalid, look for the 10 percent that mightbe true.
Look for even the 1 percent that God could use in your life to help you deepen and mature into a mature Christlike woman or man. STEP 4: DO I NEED TO APOLOGIZE OR ASK FOR FORGIVENESS? As you think and pray through the third step you may become aware of something youhave done that you need to apologize or ask forgiveness for. Early in our marriageI learned I could be right, but go about being right in a wrong or an unhealthy way.In the intensity of an emotional discussion it's easy to say things or do things orexpress ourselves in a tone of voice that discounts and wounds our partner. Over thenext few years I discovered that there were some things I needed to apologize for.My intentions had been good, but my words had wounded the person I loved the most.
STEP 5: CHOOSE RADICAL RESPONSIBILITY. Radical responsibility is our way of saying that we need to take personalresponsibility to choose what we can do differently and not wait around for our spouse to do something different. It means that we make a unilateral decision,regardless of what our spouse chooses to say or do, to seek wisdom and understandingin dealing with conflict. Regardless of the habits you saw growing up and those thatmay have characterized you for most of your life, you can teach yourself to takeradical responsibility to listen, to understand, to accept, to be kind, to be patient,to forgive, and to love even when your partner may not be making that same choice. Infact, we are most like our Lord Jesus Christ when we love in this kind of situation. STEP 6: CHOOSE WHAT YOU BOTH CAN DO DIFFERENTLY. At this point you are working on identifying a mutually acceptable solution. Ah, thissounds so easy. Over time it can become easy, but in the early stages of changing yourdeep-seated conflict patterns it may be rather difficult. ...Be sure to set asideample time for discussion and prayer. Find a quiet place with no interruptions. Takethe phone off the hook. Remember that this step involves choosing to bargain some ofyour personal needs for some of your relationship needs. Many couples have found ithelpful to read 1 Corinthians 13 aloud before entering into the discussion.
In Step 6, list the specific steps involved and who is responsible to do what. This isan important part that most people leave out. What are the specific steps involved inthe solution? Who is going to do what? When will they do it? For how long will they doit? When will you let each other know that you have done what you agreed on to do? Ifyour issue is finances, who is going to record the checks, and when will you meet eachmonth to check on your progress? If the issue is child care, who will be responsibleto check out the different options? Who will make the calls, and when will you do it?
