BLACK MARRIAGE: A Married Brother's Perspective (19026 hits)
I saw this comment in another blog (Why aren't black couples getting married? Whose fault is it--Ladies or Gents?) and felt compelled to respond…
"Sistas, we need to regain our femininity, learn how to cook, stay in shape and stop chasing Brothas down like they are golden geese. (Men like to be the hunters not the hunted!)"
Well this is probably more honest than I should be, but like you Mwannesi I'd rather be honest... I've been married for fourteen years (15 in Nov 2008). I grew up with parents who showed love for each other. They've been married for 42 years. I learned from what I grew up with. My brother has been married for seventeen years, this July. We are both believers in marriage, children, community, and love for our wives. Before you start thinking how great that is understand that it is nowhere as neat and tidy as it may sound. It is a very challenging thing to actually BE MARRIED. Our parents spoke of it often, more importantly for us boys, our mother talked for our whole lives about how fortunate she was to be with our dad. She painted him as the greatest thing next to bread and butter. For the record, though he is rich in character and love for his family, he is “broke as a joke!”
As grown men, we came into the “game” believing a man needed only the heart to love a woman and his children and go to work everyday in order to be successful. Our WHOLE LIVES we heard this in one form or another. It was the world outside of our home that tried to teach us that "real" manhood had a different quality. He had to be the “head of household” through what he could produce for our family. The problem is this…we only have certain needs: Shelter, Food, and Water, and commitment to see each other fulfill their own dreams. Unfortunately, today, our culture is dominated by “ME, ME, ME.” Our "needs" have changed and all we want now is to be IMPORTANT to any and everyone to make money…and for what? We men seek to satisfy our own needs without understanding we are only doing so in order to SPREAD our skill to A FAMILY, your wife, your children. Share what we’ve learned to build community, not a nest for ourselves alone. It proves to be boring and unsatisfying.
Black women and girls have taken on the mentality of the consummate "head of household." They (you) have been pushed to that role by forces much larger than themselves. However, in order for the “marriage” search to change I think what is needed in the long run is sacrifice. You have to be SINGLE. My wife, as I've described on my page at HBCU, was and is the most confident woman I know. Like she somehow did, you have to develop a love for what God has given you…what you have RIGHT NOW. Transmit to your children that God is in control over whether or not you meet a man, but you? You could care less. You have ALL YOU NEED. You want them to trust HIM and build a satisfying life without considering you NEED anything else. (Ask me about this, I know it seems easy for me to say.)
Again BEING MARRIED is a challenge. Even we as married people deal with this concept that we are NOT a single entity. We are TWO people in ONE marriage. I am still responsible for the life God gave to ME. I have to continue to grow and develop whether my marriage does or not. My wife is responsible for developing all that God puts on her heart. Whether or not I see the vision God gave her, she is responsible for filling the role she has as God’s daughter, FIRST. This is the KEY. DO YOU, and someone will come along for you to support and build with. Your children will then relish having TWO people who hear God’s will and go after it. It is a partnership that we as the BLACK FAMILY have to learn. Do NOT limit one another in ANY way. We will limit ourselves according to what we believe personally. I have more to say, but I am interested in your comments. Please don’t leave until you share. Thanks for listening.
Well said. Couldn't agree with you more, and as I stated prior, a man, any man who adores his wife is my definition of a man ( to hold on to your marriage in a sea of constant temptation speaks to a very strong and committed character).. ..and being that you and your family are God centered..how could you lose? Congratulations to you and all of your family. May you live long and prosper!
Saturday, July 19th 2008 at 5:40PM
Marta Fernandez
Well said, women can't love anyone else without first knowing how to love themselves. They say "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" and maybe it is and maybe it isn't. I come from a single parent home and love was something that was "extra" around my house. My parents never divorced they just separated, although they didn't get along, and they weren't happy they decided that it was in the best interest of myself and my siblings if they just separated.
Saturday, July 19th 2008 at 6:26PM
sabrina sanford
Man, you definitely dropped some knowledge with this one. Hopefully, our brothers will read this and take heed. I certainly will considering I'm engaged and hoping to have a blessed marriage. Like you, I have also grown up with both parents in the house, who by the way will have been married for 28 years come this October and like u said, it's definitely not easy. I've seen this from my parents. Although they didn't argue in front of me and my sister, you could tell some words were said that the other one didn't necessarily like, but through it all, they held it together. Society needs more men like you to teach and drop knowledge on these so called "men" who have their priorities mixed up when it comes to their woman and child(ren). Again, I commend you in speaking out and letting us know that marriages still do work, but you have to want it to work.
Monday, July 21st 2008 at 8:15AM
Sherrod Freeman
I want more than a few wives so we can rise a Black Nation!! If it's not about NATIONBUILDING, it's not about anything!!
Monday, July 21st 2008 at 8:18AM
chris cager
Speaking for myself, I don't dwell on the fact that in order to feel desirable and marriage material, I have to fulfill a man's certain criteria. Marriage isn't for everyone. I would rather be happily single and concentrate on myself. And while I am speaking for myself, I don't chase after men. That's a waste of time. If it happens, good and if it don't, that's even better. I can go and enjoy my life to the fullest.
Monday, July 21st 2008 at 11:05AM
Theresa McMiller
WOW! THis is great! I really needed to hear this. These are some of the things that have been turning over in my mind for a while now and I've been trying to figure out some things, esp. since I am at a critical point in my life. Thanks for sharing and I will definately take the advice to heart.
Monday, July 21st 2008 at 12:18PM
Fedoria Rugless
I have been married for 9 years. I do know that these times are hard for black men, but I do agree that Black women were forced into the role of head of the household. I never wanted to be the sole provider for my family, but my husband got hurt and could not work. I just kept prating for him and for myself. Women we must learn to release our husbands to be what God wants them to be.
Monday, July 21st 2008 at 1:07PM
Kimberly Hayes
This was a great blog. I was fortunate to have both my parents in the home with me. They were married for 50 years, from 1952 until my father passed away in 2003. Unfortunately I was not as fortunate as they were. I have been married twice and divorced twice. I really think I needed to hear this perspective and all the comments of others. I pray the third time will be blessed and as lasting as my parents. Thanks again for the inspiration.
Monday, July 21st 2008 at 11:39PM
Carol Clark
THANK YOU FOR YOUR BLOG IT WAS A PLEASURE TO READ
Tuesday, July 22nd 2008 at 2:27PM
LENDA TOWNSEND
Thank you for sharing your story. I came from a single family home where the women were the go getters. I obtained strength from the experience. So much so that I excepted the misconception that I didn't need a man. I was use to going after what I wanted in life. However, your statement "Men like to be the hunters not the hunted" will definitely help to curb my actions. Anyway, after successfully raising 2 boys to be good men with the nicks and scares to prove it. I realized I was tired of being strong like this. I began praying for a man (husband) to come in my life and take over. I am beginning to think I was praying for the wrong thing. From what you shared in your story, I now feel that for a marriage to stand the test of times; the misconception of two people living as one, needs to be thrown out. If I am understanding correctly, in order for a marriage to be successful, you need to remember your femininity and all that goes along with it, and continue to live as individual's in a unit, with respect and consideration for God's plan for each other's life's. This is what makes for a successful marriage. Again, thank you for sharing your story. It is always beautiful to know that true black love still exist.
Tuesday, July 22nd 2008 at 6:58PM
DaWanda Coleman
I concur, with a hearty AMEN! What I found in being married 11 years is that I had to become whole FIRST before the man came. Being raised ole school, I learned to cook at the age of 14, clean at the age of 6, the importance of Spiritual balance from birth, since we where a church going family. But I kept drawing into my life these broke, busted, broke down, brothas for the longest time. Then I finally got it. One day, I threw up a prayer to God about the situation I kept finding myself in. Then it was impressed upon my heart, that what I was looking for in men, I already had within me. When I befriended myself, I wasn't lonely anymore. When I developed love and respect for myself, that is when it came from the men I dated. One thing I have experience is when a Man senses confidence in you, they literally chase you down. I became this magnet, because I radiated so much love and honor for myself that (white, black, young, old, rich, poor) it didn't matter, these men looking, or asking me questions, waving and smiling at me. Even how they approached me was extremely different from prior encounters. Because love for yourself doesn't portray neediness, it portrays completeness. Even after marriage, the respect from my husband baffles, friends and family. But the key is this, two halves in relationships don't make a whole. But two whole persons make a wonder life together.
Wednesday, July 23rd 2008 at 8:59AM
Veda Brown
ROB!!! Thank you so much for posting this. This has really helped me. I grew up in a single mother household so it has never been a problem for me to have my own identity and be complete and full in GOD as a single woman. What I am finding difficult is how to maintain this same sense of individuality without losing myself in the relationship...not to give up all of myself for the sake of the relationship. Boy is that a task. You say marriage is not a single entity but it is two people in one marriage. That's a lot for me to think about. I am not married yet but I am involved with a young man and marriage has a been a topic (initiated by him). Since we have been talking about it I have been trying to prepare my mind for what that might be like and its looking real...whew....I don't even know the word....scary, unsure, uncertain, exciting....
Wednesday, July 23rd 2008 at 10:50AM
LaTika Tillis
Excellent, excellent article! I thank you for it, and God Bless You!
Wednesday, July 23rd 2008 at 12:42PM
Marisa Moss
This was very refreshing to read; especially as a single young (early twenties) lady interested in marriage one day. I hope you continue to share your insights with other young men [particularly, the brothas! :) ]
Thursday, July 24th 2008 at 11:40AM
Ashlee Edwards
Big up!
Thursday, July 24th 2008 at 7:27PM
Branden Jones
I agree with what you are saying regarding marriage except for the weight part. I am not a big person but slender and skinny, but some women cant help their weight after having children. When you have children your body changes and sometimes its not always the weight that changes. But after you have children it takes up to a year for your body to get back to normal thats why its also good to not have children back to back like all of them being a year apart. When you have children back to back like that, thats when it usually happens and also with one child too. I agree that you have to work together in marriage to make it last. Being that I am engaged it was very helpful and its not the first time I have heard this kind of advice from a married person or a person who has been married before. I am happy about marrying the man who I have been with for 3 years and also the father of our two month old son. I know marriage is not going to be easy everyday but I pray that we always work things out and dont let things get out of hand. We both support each other in what we want to do in life as far as our goals and decisions we make.
I just dont like when people get married, dont get along, and try to dominate each other. Thats not cool. Its not very cool when people try to control people in where they can go, who they can talk to or be around or use their children as a way to control them by saying that they cant be around certain people. When you do this to one another you are headed for disaster.
I feel that marriage should be about compromise from both sides not just to benefit one and not the other because someone is going to come up unhappy. Not always doing things the other one likes and the other feels left out, is also a problem.
Always arguing is just a sign of something deeper lying beneath. Those issues usually havent been discussed or someone is not happy. This is why it is also best to communicate. Even though I am not married yet I am just commenting on what I have seen other married couples advice and from watching other couples work out their problems.
Friday, July 25th 2008 at 5:27PM
Sharmain Spann
Well, said. For me I am a single mother and of course I consider myself head of household, but at the same time for me, before I can even think about marriage, I need to learn how to have healthy friendships first with men and that is what I'm striving for. In today's society, especially the black community it's so much drama and everyone has so many emotional issues and baggage. For my experience it has made me not date seriously for almost two years. Today society has this mentality where relationships are just fool of drama and fighting everyday, and s*x. You can't base a healthy relationship like that. No one wants to take their time and get to know their partner. It's always about instant gratification. So sad! I believe marriages can work, and it all depends on an individuals mentality and maturity. We have to stop all this men and women competing with other. I know for me, I am sick of it. Yeah, we are different from each other, but why can't we respect each other as equals and learn how to communicate by talking things out.
Saturday, July 26th 2008 at 11:27AM
Melantha Nelson
Hey Rob, I have to give credit where due man, and for have the courage to speak it. One of the main problems that plague the black community is a lack of family cohesiveness at the mother and father level. The problem is world and cultural wide with divorce rates varying from 60-70%, and thats from what I know. Broken homes are as old as Bible scriptures and the problems that follow recorded from when they started to the present day world. There is a saying that "evil only survives when good people sit back and do nothing", I also believe something a Min. Cousin of mine told me years ago, maybe the generational curse has to stop with you. This means do your part, it starts with individuals and the realms they have an affect upon that spreads. Keep up the great work Rob and God Bless for you and you family. Sincerest William
Saturday, July 26th 2008 at 8:04PM
WILLIAM W. HEMMANS III
Hi Rob, I have been married for 13 years! We have had our ups and our downs, but through it all we communicated with each other. I was raised by great grandparents, and he was raised by a single mom. Both sets of family are strong, and the values that are taught are strong. You said it right when you said that God should come first! and yes women should take care of themselves not for a man but for them. When you set God above all others, your life falls into place it is up to you the individual to decide the right road or the wrong. To answer what does a black man want? What! My husband does not act this way. Size should never be a factor in a relationship unless you want the sisters to start pointing out the difference. I believe that black men need to go back and figure out how to become a man. Stop showing me your underwear! Don't call me names in your videos, have respect for yourselves. Women we chase nothing, the black man has forced black women to step up and out. So to some black men we are just to dam strong for them.We pay our own bills, we feed our children, we became head of household because they where to weak to do it. Sorry I believe that in order to help ourselves as a nation we have to start looking at each other and holding each other accountable! Hopefully this will bring back the strong male whom walks beside his wife and not in front of her.
hmm.... I will have to come back to this one. I do however respect your views and your spin on the article but...... I'm just going to have to come back to this one....
Sunday, August 17th 2008 at 11:59PM
Jessica Angelique
Rob, I was married and went through the verbal and physical abruse. I tried to make my marriage work so I could have that 50 Anniversary. I, to grew up with both parents until they grew apart. Maybe because I was young it didn't effect me. I would love to be married again; but the personalities of two partners living together and having different understandings will disconnect a relationship. Most women in the marriage will keep their shape and most of the men don't and would still go outside the marriage to find someone smaller than the wife he left at home. Most women are the ones to hold the family together but would find it harder when the male isn't participating or finding his feminal-side to help out (especially when he isn't at work). I don't chase the men - they hunt for the younger petite ones that are half their age. Question for you... Why do men chase the younger women half your age and want your wife at home too?
Sunday, August 24th 2008 at 3:17PM
Gerri Robinson
I really enjoyed reading this. As a single woman that's been told ALL of her life that acquiring a husband is the next thing to do after college, I really needed this. Thanks for posting it, sir! I wish you the best of luck with your family and may God bless all of you!
Tuesday, August 26th 2008 at 10:15AM
special sanders
u are correct, stop looking to find a man when u need to find yourself! if u havent gotten yourself to the level u want to be , u cant give yourself 100% to anybody. sometimes when a relationship doesnt work and it have became a cycle in your life ,it may just be u! ask GOD 4 guildence to become the women u need to be in order 4 God to send that man thats meant 4 u!
Thursday, September 4th 2008 at 4:15PM
jeanette mckinnon
Ok Rob. I finally got back; sorry about the delay. This is the blog I wanted to comment on. Hmmm..... I agree that a marriage is a partnership. I think that the struggle comes in finding that "connection" with your husband or wife that ensures a long marriage.
We are all, to some degree, a product of our upbringing. You were VERY fortunate to have the role models that you had growing up; even if dad was "broke as a joke" from time to time. What he lacked in finances he more than made up for with character, direction, spirituality and a committment to family. THAT was what you saw and took in, not the echoes of an empty wallet.
Committment is also a state of mind. It's not enough to just say it; you have to live it. I applaud your honesty and clarity and I thank you for sharing your thoughts and views on marriage. They have been wonderfully, refreshing. A lot of people hit this blog and I hope that each and everyone took something of value from it. I valued every single word.
Look forward to hearing more from you. Happy early Anniversary to you and your wife & Happy late Anniversary to your brother and his wife (smile)!!!
With strong family role models like the ones that you and your family put forth; the rest of us at least, now, have a chance at success. Thank you.
Thursday, September 4th 2008 at 9:31PM
Jessica Angelique
As a young African American women, who was raised by two Magnificent Married Parents, I was not at all prepared for marriage. My childhood and teenage years were devoted to education, music and the arts. We went to church so and my Mother was a living example of someone with the "Heart of Christ". My parents were not rich, but my brother, sister and myself were like "Rich Children". Basically we got anything we wanted and my parents made life really easy on us.
What happened? What happened is that I was spoiled and use to getting my way with everything. Yes, I was Super Talented, Intelligent, and Loving, but I was not prepared for "Life On My Own". When I got married, I moved straight out of my parents home into my New Husband's home in a New State Across the Country...I was in a New Land. Basically, I was hit with "Having to Grow Up Really Fast". My ex-husband was and still is "One of the Best Man I Know On the Planet". We were both just out of school, really young, inexperienced yet we managed to live in beautiful apartments in nice neighborhoods and did very well for young people with trust funds. But it was extremely challanging for me, because I had to adjust to a whole new way of living...A Whole New Lifestyle! It took 3 years to get used to living on the West Coast, the Hot Weather, having to have and maintain a car, and being a "Good Wife" + Pursue a Career in the Entertainment Industry.
My ex-husband and I had a good run. We are divorced now, but we will always Treasure Our Time Together...We Really Loved Each Other & Have No Regrets! The only advice I have for anyone who wants to get married is to make sure you have "Grown Up, Experienced & Explored Life" before you get married. If I had it to do all over again, I would choose to have met my husband now. Now I am seasoned in my Spiritual Life, My new venture is in a wonderful place and I can freely enter a marriage as a true blessing and not a spoiled brat.
Monday, September 8th 2008 at 7:47PM
Sandra Gray
It was an absolutely excellent article and very much needed. Thanks so much for your beautiful perspective. Beautiful article!
Friday, September 19th 2008 at 9:55AM
Marisa Moss
I really appreciate this perspective. Because most of our children are raised in single parent homes, More women need to teach their sons to think of marriage as an enhancement not a death sentence. This will get us back to THE BLACK FAMILY OF Old. Thanks Rob for your perspective
Monday, June 18th 2012 at 10:50AM
Janet McGee
...two people who hear God's will and go after it. Marriages would be a lot more satisfying if we remembered that basic premise and revisted it regularly. Despite the brief passage of time your words remain fresh and relevant. Thanks for sharing.
Monday, June 18th 2012 at 10:54AM
Tonya Johnson
...two people who hear God's will and go after it. Marriages would be a lot more satisfying if we remembered that basic premise and revisted it regularly. Despite the brief passage of time your words remain fresh and relevant. Thanks for sharing.
Monday, June 18th 2012 at 10:57AM
Tonya Johnson
...two people who hear God's will and go after it. Marriages would be a lot more satisfying if we remembered that basic premise and revisted it regularly. Despite the brief passage of time your words remain fresh and relevant. Thanks for sharing.
Monday, June 18th 2012 at 10:59AM
Tonya Johnson
Thank You, Rob
For reasons larger than ourSelves, my marriage failed. However, I did learn one important thing--"married" is not something that you can get. Married is something that you become. Legal paperwork is not a true requirement for a marriage. The legalized paperwork required by states, and insurance companies, can only create a legal wedlock.
After reading your excellent post, I clearly over and understand what was missing from those 10 years of dutiful wedlock. Bless you for supporting my ongoing belief that the need to be me is more than an overqualified notion. I was raised with 3 major lines - (1) Know Thy Self. (2) To thine owned Self--Be True. (3) Its a poor dog that doesn’t wag its own tail. (It took me years to figure out the last one.) By the time I understood, I knew that #1 and #2 are what saved me from self martyrdom.
KnowBody knows. KnowThing is still sacred, and, yes, does last forever.
I agree. However, my perspective and personal experience is coming from angle where you try to do your best without a roadmap. I was born into a two parent household that when astray several years into my early childhood. It was the typical reason the blind leading the blind scenarios. My father didn't have tools to lead a family nor embrace his wife. He instead ruled with an iron fist and a flawed approach, but what can you do without a roadmap. I guess. Don’t get it twist, I know that he should have known better and I don’t condone my father’s flawed approach. My mother on the other hand was the recipient of physical abuse that you can’t even begin to describe. When my mother made a power move and executed her plan to escape with my two siblings and myself, I understood even at a young age that you try to do your best without a roadmap and if it isn’t working you have to save yourself. As a result of all of these factors in my early childhood, I was thrust into a new role and I had to grow up fast to accommodate my new level of responsibility as the only male child. I know it’s taking me a while to get to my current situation, but be patience. My mother was able stabilize our environment eventually and she gave me extra love to combat the ill things I personally witness. We developed an unbelievable, yet health bond as a result of the early tragedy and pain that the marriage to our father brought on the family. I believe to this day that I learned to love women more through the pain and suffer inflicted on the family by the hands of my father. Additionally, I made a promise to myself, to mother, and to God that I would never treat a woman in this manner. I believe everyone wants what is perceptive normal especially, if you weren’t afforded that sense of family balance in your life. So finally let’s fast forward to my current situation, I when to school and married my college flame. We’ve been together as a couple for nearly twenty years and married fourteen out of the twenty, however something has always been missing from our relationship. It’s hard to put into words, but I’ll try because maybe I can help someone with my story. I guess when you isolate your emotional feeling (speaking of myself) from the opposite s*x for so long as a result of childhood drama and you finally meet the person that you release yourself too you fall hard in a good way. But, when you isolate you have no measure through experience to evaluate your relationship as a good, bad, or average situation. I know now after twenty years that I accept things early in the relationship that were unacceptable quite frankly. I married a beautiful lady physically, but never established a plan for the future with my now wife to see if we were compatible beyond dating in college. Frankly, a marriage without a plan is doomed before it starts. We aren’t physically abusive to one another but verbally yes. I’m embarrassed to say that my marriage is dysfunction to the tenth power as a result of our childhood. The moral to all of this; know you first, seek martial and personal counseling, be root in a similar faith, and please don’t bring kids into a hurricane of issues. Remember, trying your best without a roadmap isn’t good enough look at me and my dysfunction marriage and do the opposite by knowing yourself first over your personal desire. Thanks to Rob for his positive spin, but I wanted to be real as well. Signed// Marriage without a plan
Antione, I think that was a courageous post. My advice is to be unconditionally kind. My theory is this: The scriptures teaches us to add to our faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.
Its seems to me that people jump too quickly to love. If your love is on the rocks, start by focusing on just being good to each other... no strings... just GOOD to each other and build from there as Peter taught. If start there and take all the steps, you WILL build to truest love.
Just focus on being kind to her. You don't have to agree to be kind. You just have to kind. Practice not raising your voice. Imagine all the ways she can press your buttons and practice not letting that happen.
And here is a secret I learned long ago as a pastor.... Anger is a substitute emotion. Anger is what we use to avoid feeling pain. Anger makes us feel powerful and even the dumb crap we say sound intelligent when we are anger. You have to DECIDE to let the hurt just hurt. THAT is how you overcome it. You have to walk THROUGH the fire of pain for God to heal you. There is not a single scripture that forbids being hurting. There are plenty that warn about anger.
Don't fight hurt. Let it flow through you. When you fight hurt, it takes over and becomes more intense. In that pain seek the Fathers tender comfort and you will fell that comfort in a powerful way. Times of pain should become times of deepest prayer.
Finally, make a promise to God and then you your wife. You can't fix everything, but you can commit to NoT hurting her with your words. If you have to feel wronged or be silent to avoid hurting her, then that is what you do. Period. You need to have the strength to lead in NOT using anger to strick back. Let hurt words of hurt flow through with the understand that SHE does not really mean that crap.
Unconditional love starts with unconditional kindness. If you need to be wrong to let the anger pass, be wrong. God is o Looking at how you nurture her, not how many arguments you win.
Just my two cents. You are in my heart and is my prayers.
Wednesday, June 20th 2012 at 12:32AM
Paul Lott
Please pardon my iPad spelling and grammer!
Wednesday, June 20th 2012 at 12:35AM
Paul Lott
Your article makes sense to me, we seem to be getting away from the old way of finding a mate. Women give up to quick and will settle or change who they are just to pease a man. I have been married for 40 years love my wife and would not change a thing, marrige is a work in progress and will be for as long as you stay together. I still think marrige is the best way to go when two people want to spend their lives together.
Wednesday, June 20th 2012 at 6:35PM
Kenneth Baxter Sr
I love it when we as African Americans can come together under GOD’s design, marry and make it work. For all the couples listed in this article and those that aren’t listed who are making it I think it’s wonderful!!! After reading the article and I must say I'm taken back by it. It seems what’s being said is be married but DO YOU and the bible does not say that at all. It is very specific about the roles of the husband and wife. The truth of the matter is we are judged individually but you are also judge on how we manage our roles within the marriage. Once you have entered into GOD's covenant (relationship) you have obligations, GOD's obligations. If God has gifted us with certain things yes they have to be fulfilled, our connection with GOD supersedes all but once you become a unit the male is responsible for his family according to the WORD. Both Husband and wife are responsible for each other. Also you can't just can't say I still need to do this and that and then just run off and leave your family behind as if you are single. The article didn't mean much to me, a lot was said but non specific. He didn't really say much about the black woman only they have been pushed into a role against their will but other than that he left it wide open and again not being specific. I'm not impressed by his words because he didn't really elaborate. In the grand scheme of thing the question would be in my opinion, why don't blk men want to get married and I would say it's because they feel like they are going to miss out on this one or that one. Every pretty face or good convo doesn't mean she is going to be better that what you have. Some don't want to take on another person etc…There are too many factors regarding the blk relationship and why this works or that doesn't it’s a case by case. It's much larger that what is spoken here, if nothing else this is more of a convo piece. Men want to feel needed or has that changed? Women being strong and independent is great but if you get a female who never needs her man for anything other than s*x, that's not enough to maintain or keep a relationship, then eventually she will leave you because you've served your purpose for the moment and she will move on. I mean if she’s that independent, she will be more of a roommate and taking care of each other would not even be in the cards. So when you're sick and need someone to get you a bowl of soup or a cup of juice miss independent is not your woman. They may be kind and nice on the surface but they will not stick around so where is the emotional bonding? That's not marriage and that's not how GOD defines marriage. So what is your definition independent? This is just Too broad!! We were design to have a mate by GODs design. If you want to be single then you should not be married. I agree that marriage is and can be a struggle but if both parties are willing and with GOD's hand in it, it will work. I also get not getting lost in your spouse / losing your own identity but that's not what I got from this article. Again too broad.
Wednesday, June 20th 2012 at 8:15PM
Shernell Rawles
First of all as black women we needed to hear that from a black man's point of view. And I understand the problem because I have been the head of my house hold since I was 15 when I left my mother's house. I did not learn what a marriage was from my own parents cause my home was broken, I learned by watching my grandfather take care of my grandmother and their home. I would love to find a man like my grandfather who knew how to take care of home and make my grandma feel like she was/is the queen of his world. As I got older I started looking into how God sees marriage and thats when I realized I want both a man to love me like my grandfather loved my grandmother and to understand my role as the wife God wants me to be and in order for me to have a long lasting marriage I also need for my husband to understand his role according to God with out that we have nothing, I would rather have a small wedding with God's understanding then to have a big wedding with no understanding.
Saturday, June 23rd 2012 at 3:29PM
RENEE JENKINS
Break down of families is 1 reason (Black Marriages) is not prosper.....Over 60% single parent house holds with the mother being the.."Bread Winner"...Most kids will emulate their single mother and have kids out of wedlock too....The devalue marriage ........
Sunday, June 24th 2012 at 11:49AM
Don Mosley
Spell check The....(They) is the correct word
Sunday, June 24th 2012 at 11:50AM
Don Mosley
they still got it never lost it, i see them daily trying to be in the rat race of the corp. world with their values intact, and their beauty still very apparent...you, however think to be a success, you have to "blend" to reach the top. you want the easy way out, no real committment and a focus on your primal needs, get your heads out of your musical lyrics bro and try a little respect !!!
Monday, August 13th 2012 at 8:55PM
harold williams
