BLACK MARRIAGE: A Married Brother's Perspective
I saw this comment in another blog (Why aren't black couples getting married? Whose fault is it--Ladies or Gents?) and felt compelled to respond…
"Sistas, we need to regain our femininity, learn how to cook, stay in shape and stop chasing Brothas down like they are golden geese. (Men like to be the hunters not the hunted!)"
Well this is probably more honest than I should be, but like you Mwannesi I'd rather be honest... I've been married for fourteen years (15 in Nov 2008). I grew up with parents who showed love for each other. They've been married for 42 years. I learned from what I grew up with. My brother has been married for seventeen years, this July. We are both believers in marriage, children, community, and love for our wives. Before you start thinking how great that is understand that it is nowhere as neat and tidy as it may sound. It is a very challenging thing to actually BE MARRIED. Our parents spoke of it often, more importantly for us boys, our mother talked for our whole lives about how fortunate she was to be with our dad. She painted him as the greatest thing next to bread and butter. For the record, though he is rich in character and love for his family, he is “broke as a joke!”
As grown men, we came into the “game” believing a man needed only the heart to love a woman and his children and go to work everyday in order to be successful. Our WHOLE LIVES we heard this in one form or another. It was the world outside of our home that tried to teach us that "real" manhood had a different quality. He had to be the “head of household” through what he could produce for our family. The problem is this…we only have certain needs: Shelter, Food, and Water, and commitment to see each other fulfill their own dreams. Unfortunately, today, our culture is dominated by “ME, ME, ME.” Our "needs" have changed and all we want now is to be IMPORTANT to any and everyone to make money…and for what? We men seek to satisfy our own needs without understanding we are only doing so in order to SPREAD our skill to A FAMILY, your wife, your children. Share what we’ve learned to build community, not a nest for ourselves alone. It proves to be boring and unsatisfying.
Black women and girls have taken on the mentality of the consummate "head of household." They (you) have been pushed to that role by forces much larger than themselves. However, in order for the “marriage” search to change I think what is needed in the long run is sacrifice. You have to be SINGLE. My wife, as I've described on my page at HBCU, was and is the most confident woman I know. Like she somehow did, you have to develop a love for what God has given you…what you have RIGHT NOW. Transmit to your children that God is in control over whether or not you meet a man, but you? You could care less. You have ALL YOU NEED. You want them to trust HIM and build a satisfying life without considering you NEED anything else. (Ask me about this, I know it seems easy for me to say.)
Again BEING MARRIED is a challenge. Even we as married people deal with this concept that we are NOT a single entity. We are TWO people in ONE marriage. I am still responsible for the life God gave to ME. I have to continue to grow and develop whether my marriage does or not. My wife is responsible for developing all that God puts on her heart. Whether or not I see the vision God gave her, she is responsible for filling the role she has as God’s daughter, FIRST. This is the KEY. DO YOU, and someone will come along for you to support and build with. Your children will then relish having TWO people who hear God’s will and go after it. It is a partnership that we as the BLACK FAMILY have to learn. Do NOT limit one another in ANY way. We will limit ourselves according to what we believe personally. I have more to say, but I am interested in your comments. Please don’t leave until you share. Thanks for listening.
"Sistas, we need to regain our femininity, learn how to cook, stay in shape and stop chasing Brothas down like they are golden geese. (Men like to be the hunters not the hunted!)"
Well this is probably more honest than I should be, but like you Mwannesi I'd rather be honest... I've been married for fourteen years (15 in Nov 2008). I grew up with parents who showed love for each other. They've been married for 42 years. I learned from what I grew up with. My brother has been married for seventeen years, this July. We are both believers in marriage, children, community, and love for our wives. Before you start thinking how great that is understand that it is nowhere as neat and tidy as it may sound. It is a very challenging thing to actually BE MARRIED. Our parents spoke of it often, more importantly for us boys, our mother talked for our whole lives about how fortunate she was to be with our dad. She painted him as the greatest thing next to bread and butter. For the record, though he is rich in character and love for his family, he is “broke as a joke!”
As grown men, we came into the “game” believing a man needed only the heart to love a woman and his children and go to work everyday in order to be successful. Our WHOLE LIVES we heard this in one form or another. It was the world outside of our home that tried to teach us that "real" manhood had a different quality. He had to be the “head of household” through what he could produce for our family. The problem is this…we only have certain needs: Shelter, Food, and Water, and commitment to see each other fulfill their own dreams. Unfortunately, today, our culture is dominated by “ME, ME, ME.” Our "needs" have changed and all we want now is to be IMPORTANT to any and everyone to make money…and for what? We men seek to satisfy our own needs without understanding we are only doing so in order to SPREAD our skill to A FAMILY, your wife, your children. Share what we’ve learned to build community, not a nest for ourselves alone. It proves to be boring and unsatisfying.
Black women and girls have taken on the mentality of the consummate "head of household." They (you) have been pushed to that role by forces much larger than themselves. However, in order for the “marriage” search to change I think what is needed in the long run is sacrifice. You have to be SINGLE. My wife, as I've described on my page at HBCU, was and is the most confident woman I know. Like she somehow did, you have to develop a love for what God has given you…what you have RIGHT NOW. Transmit to your children that God is in control over whether or not you meet a man, but you? You could care less. You have ALL YOU NEED. You want them to trust HIM and build a satisfying life without considering you NEED anything else. (Ask me about this, I know it seems easy for me to say.)
Again BEING MARRIED is a challenge. Even we as married people deal with this concept that we are NOT a single entity. We are TWO people in ONE marriage. I am still responsible for the life God gave to ME. I have to continue to grow and develop whether my marriage does or not. My wife is responsible for developing all that God puts on her heart. Whether or not I see the vision God gave her, she is responsible for filling the role she has as God’s daughter, FIRST. This is the KEY. DO YOU, and someone will come along for you to support and build with. Your children will then relish having TWO people who hear God’s will and go after it. It is a partnership that we as the BLACK FAMILY have to learn. Do NOT limit one another in ANY way. We will limit ourselves according to what we believe personally. I have more to say, but I am interested in your comments. Please don’t leave until you share. Thanks for listening.
Well said. Couldn't agree with you more, and as I stated prior, a man, any man who adores his wife is my definition of a man ( to hold on to your marriage in a sea of constant temptation speaks to a very strong and committed character).. ..and being that you and your family are God centered..how could you lose? Congratulations to you and all of your family. May you live long and prosper!