’ve heard of friends promising to marry each other if they couldn’t find a suitable partner, and I’ve seen a reality TV show of strangers marrying each other at first sight. But would you marry yourself if you couldn’t find a husband by 40? This sista did and her story has gone viral!
Yasmin Eleby, a 40 year old teacher from Houston, Texas made a promise to herself that if she was still single by her 40th birthday, she’d marry herself. Since she couldn’t find anyone to commit to her, she followed through with the commitment to herself and had a wedding, ya’ll, complete with bridesmaids, her mama giving her away, and a band, singers and cake! She also plans to go on a honeymoon later this year.
Black Art in America
She’s actually not the first woman to do it. A woman in London beat her to the punch by marrying herself last October. I hope this isn’t the start of a trend!
Both women say their solo weddings were the the ultimate act of self-love where they promised to love and honor themselves. I say it’s the ultimate act of hopelessness for 3 major reasons:
1) Real Self-Love Doesn’t Look Like This
It’s true that the most important relationship you can have is with yourself. But doing some hot mess like this is not self-love! It’s actually based in fear that she’d never find anyone. There is no fear in love, so when we allow fear to drive us, we’re actually participating in self-loathing.
Loving yourself means telling yourself the truth. This sista could have saved thousands of dollars by hiring a coach or therapist to help her work through the things that were getting in her way of attracting the right man into her life.
2) She Believed The Lie There Are No Good Men Left
Yasmin lives in a city where 1/4 of the population is Black. Just assuming she wanted to marry a Black man, she had millions of people to choose from, and I’m willing to bet she didn’t meet or date 1% of them.
Maybe she began believing the media which has been screaming stats about Black women and marriage for years. Headlines like “Black women least likely to marry than any other women in the US” and “Black Women Least LIkely To Get Picked By Any Race Of Men In Online Dating” perpetuates the idea that no one wants you if you’re a Black woman.
The truth is, these statistics are only partially true and are based on MYTHS about Black women and Black love. Perhaps this sista, like millions of others, have accepted the sensationalized news reports as truth. When you do that, you let someone else’s truth shape your worldview, your beliefs and your actions.
3) She Put An Expiration Date On Love
I don’t know this sista’s dating history. I’d have to coach her to find out her patterns of belief that have put her in a place where she believes she can’t find a good man. But the bigger problem is that she put an expiration date on her love life. It’s possible to find love and get married after 40.
I believe love doesn’t expire, but if you give up on the process, you’ll miss opportunities to find it. Don’t give in to hopelessness!
BMWK, do you think this is a new trend for Black single women?
About the author
Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 25 articles on this blog.
Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.
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