When Bad Relationships Happen to Good People (792 hits)
Relationships ain’t easy. The ups and downs of love drive most of reality TV and in real life, they can end up in pain, disillusionment and sometimes violence. Even money and fame provide little protection from the problems that challenge people in intimate relationships. In Best Picture director Ben Affleck’s now famous Oscar acceptance speech, he thanked his wife, Jennifer Garner, for “doing the work” with him for the last decade. Singer Fantasia, distraught over reports that her boyfriend’s estranged wife was suing her, once attempted suicide, while the internet tormented her for sleeping with a married man. Will Smith told an audience in Philadelphia that money and fame didn’t mean he and his wife of 17 years, Jada Pinkett Smith, don’t have their issues. There are plenty of good people who end up in bad relationships.
Author/healer/TV personality Iyanla Vanzant says in her books “The Value in the Valley” and “In the Meantime” that relationships are only as healthy as the people involved in them. Dr. Robin Smith, a recent guest on “The Tom Joyner Morning Show”, promoting her new book “Hungry,” says that what we are hungry for more than anything else is believing in our own self-worth. If you look at posts on black women’s websites, one of the most common relationship questions is some variation of “I’m in a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat me right/cheats on my repeatedly/is married/is dysfunctional, disrespectful or abusive but I can’t leave them.”
Most of the time, responses to this question go this way: Pick up your self-esteem, sister, and move on. Pack your bags, leave him now, stop sleeping with him, love yourself, etc. etc. What no one says is how hard it can be to leave even a truly dysfunctional relationship. There is usually something that keeps you there – whether it’s emotional, financial or s*xual security – no matter how crazy it looks to the outside world.
The problem is that relationships cannot resolve your life’s issues. If you were not loved as a child, if your parents, the people who you counted on for love and support, did not provide you with necessary nurturing, you will not be able to get that later from a life partner, no matter how loving or caring he or she is. That is not a relationship’s role. For African Americans still dealing with the legacy of generations of slavery, trying to fill the lack of wholeness in another is just too hard when they are often not whole themselves.
I have always stated that Janelle compliments me towards completion, however the reason why she was my first choice is because she is "MY TYPE". She meet the qualities and expectations that I had written on a piece a paper. Alos Saint meet her expectations too. I dated women that were popular and very good looking however spiritually they were simply not my "TYPE".
One needs to improve themselves and 'Love' themselves before engaging in a serious relationship; also forget about the thought of changing somebody or molding them. If a man has issues or baggage he needs to resolve that before a committed relationship.
Remember you have no control of whom your parents are however you have a choice of developing your moral character paradigm yourself. I know of friends that grew up in dysfunctional settings, however transformed due to spiritual renewal and choice. I aint going to be 'messed-up ' like my parents.
Just my thoughts!
Be patient and find the person that is your "TYPE" !!!!!
Friday, March 29th 2013 at 11:16AM
Yaiqab Saint
Saint,
I was beginning to think you were out of town for the Easter! Thanks for stopping by and sharing your love on relationships. Love of self is a key fundamental ingredient to healthy relationships with others, not just our significant other.
I'm glad that you found your soulmate, because it can be really difficult for someone who has a lot of excess baggage from prior relationship failures to do the same.
Forgiveness takes a tremendous amount of work. It's like one has to detox him/herself from bad Love relationships before moving on. It's a great thing for women to do especially since we tend to be the receptacles for other folk's garbage.
Yep... and why women have to go beyond some of the attraction s*xual triggers and "peek" da man for his overall qualities. Demand respect and you get respect!
Saturday, March 30th 2013 at 12:41PM
Yaiqab Saint
Yep, I think respect is mutual and if one doesn't respect one self then its not logical to ask for another to do so. You can only give out of what you already have and a a bowl of scraps ain't necessarily better than a nice bowl of homemade lentil soup made from mama's garden. Take time to fill one's bowl with good nutrients that will nourish oneself and others for a lifetime.
