When all else fails, family is there too pick u up, or are they??? (236 hits)
Well, I know I havent been on here and I only got a few friends, so I'm going to use this to the best of my abilities. The last time I was on here, I was looking for outlets of funding for a Open mic Lounge, it's a dream of mine. I write music, poetry, Lyrics especially. Even though it is put on hold because of certain transitions that had occured in my life, I will never give up my dream. You see, I have went through alot in a matter of a year and half. I'm a very closed person and don't tell alot of my private situtations that go on in my life. But I have to get it out. I talked to this one special person that is/was in my life and I feel that we can't get back to where we were. I so want to just pick up the phone and get back in touch with him, however, my pride won't allow me to do so. Thing is I love him, yes..It has happen to me, something I thought that would never happen again. Funny thing is, it will never work, so I keep him as a friend, made a visit and left empty. (I never thought that I would allow myself to do this for a man). Do I feel ashamed, at times I do, and I don't share it, because of how judgmental people will be. Even though I feel empty and we are no longer talking, I would do anything in the world for him, if I can. I support him to the fullest, no love lost. It just sucks that I can't flick a switch off of "I dont care", like a light switch. But this man will always have a place in my heart, and for some reason, I feel like he dosent even know what he did. Sad, but I will still let him figure it out and think about what he should say to me, which is a simple apology.
On my way back to home from my trip which I took to visit a friend or so I thought. I found myself homeless. The only thing I had was a suit case from what I had on the plane and the little bit of stuff my sister had gotten from the house. I didn't think I was completely homeless because we had friends and family around where I live, so in my own mind I'm thinking everything is all good. So, I started making calls. Seem like no one is answering, my flight got in real early, I can wait, lets leave a message. I explained what happen. Lets just say I'm still waiting for the call back. Ok, I always think under pressure and it's usually crazy, but whatever. My sister and I took a trip, to where we did NOT want to go. That was my oldest sister, whom which I ran away from years ago, because of both verbal/physical abuse was going on. My sister and I were most apprehensive about making this trip, however we had to swallow our pride and have a ciggeratte, even though I quit. I needed that puff. When we got there, everything seem real cool, calm collected, until we seen our oldest sister. Back again with the verbally degrading words. I can't understand how one can hold on to just being ugly inside and out. Just so messy. I wanted to run away, but there is no place to go and even though my father was in my life again, I didn't know him to be living in his house. Of course, the fighting begin, and the "I knew you be back". Started. And I'm living out a womans house that don't want me there, so to make her life easier, I choosed to live in the garage. Even though it's hot as hell, I still say to myself I havent visited hell. But then again, this just might be my hell on earth. Yea, some huge trasition. At times, I feel like I want to end it, but I'm not weak enough to do that. My self confidense has became so low that I don't communicate with anyone. I left my job, my dreams has been put on hold and I am living in total HELL. I try to keep a positive outlook on it though, I could be a whole lot worser. I'm looking for full-time work which is not looking very good, and trying to get into a leaser activity within the community. Anything to stay away from this house. The only thing, that I would like to do, is hurry up and get on my feet. In the midst of it all, I still think about my special friend, even though I know it dosent make a difference of the situtation I am in right now. But it does bring a smile to my face even though, we have no contact. I'm not writing this as a story or anything, it's far from it, I guess I'm using this as a way to vent. Skitching out what has happend and to how I am going to fix it. I know trouble don't last always, and I know trials and tribulations will always get it the way, but it's up to me to jump right back up with a head held high. If your reading this, you can comment, I love seeing peoples comments and taking it into my life. Negative or positive. Thank you for letting me vent. Be bless, I know mine is coming soon, I can feel it.
Sister Ty I remember you. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but I can relate to the family/ and so called friends turning a blind eye to troubles. They say you really know who your friends are when you get in trouble. I know how you feel and I think many Black people can relate to the family drama and whatknot. I don't really know why some families are not helpful. The same thing about my own relatives. I remember calling up people when one of my younger relatives needed money for school asking for anything amount~~ $1 anything ~~ and her own sister said that she couldn't help because she had to worry about herself. Go figure!
... About Men ~~ they ~~ can be real trifling, eh? I was in love with this dude I met in college and we were no good for one another. We kept breakin' up and gettin' back together. I won't go as far as saying that we were a Whitney and Bobby, but we were something else! It took me 7 or 8 years to get this guy out of my system.
The trick for me (that I learned years later) was that we couldn't be friends because we had to much ~you know~ history if you know what I mean! Everytime he would call me and I'd hear his voice~that was it~.
...anyway that was then... What I can say to you is that you have to keep reaching for your dreams and can't allow your older sister or anyone to destroy what God has placed in your heart. Keep your head toward the sky. God will see you thru. What's your religion? Are you Catholic? The Catholic church is really good at helping those who are in need.
Thursday, August 26th 2010 at 2:45AM
Jen Fad
I am a Christan, even though I have worked with Catholic places, I do feel that it really dosent matter what religion I am, as long as we all believe in the same God. I will check out Catholic churches though. It is worth a try. I'm open to any ideas as of right now. It's funny today, I got up early, usually I always do, because I believe the early bird gets the worm. And I was suppose to start this Boot Camp thing, however it was cancelled, so I started my job search thing again. And in the process, I felt a tear come down my cheek. I thought that I was all cried out. I guess I still got tears up in there. It's not that I want anyone to feel sorry for me, I feel that I put myself in this perdicament, and now I gotta get myself out. It sucks that I gotta go at it alone, I'm to the point where I know what I have to do, but don't know where to start. I gotta stay positive and not let family get me down. It so hard. Now, as for "him", it's sad that what he is doing to me is making me feel sick to my stomach almost, but I think I will survive, men come and go. I just thought he was different. Sad thing is, when I first met him I was not attracted to his outter apperance, omg, I felt we could possibly have nothing in common. Well, as to getting to know him and work with him, I seen that I was attracted to his drive for his passion and his goals, I love that in a man, and I think that's why I feel the way I do about him. But hey, I mad moves on my part towards him, now it's up to him to do his part! And if he feels the same way towards me and he cares about our friendship, then, I should hear something from him. I done with making the first moves, he need to step up and be a man. Thanks for the encouragement Jen, it really means alot, and if you can, just say a prayer for me.
Thursday, August 26th 2010 at 2:21PM
Tee E
You're welcome.
Thursday, August 26th 2010 at 3:00PM
Jen Fad
