When She Won't Laugh at Your Jokes Anymore, Is she Cheating? (2813 hits)
Are there women who don't desire the connection with their husband or who have been hurt deeply by their husband and don't want to risk being hurt anymore...what do they do? Have affairs?
I wondered this as I listened to a woman describe her relationship with her husband. She was interesting to me because I know her and her husband and I have heard both sides of the story. I’m not the peacemaker, but they’re cool people and if they want to talk about it I’ll listen. Anyway, I thought they should just go to a counselor, but she isn’t interested. She is hurt as far as I can see. Her husband made her feel like she wasn’t as important to him as she was when they met. She started to look at him more critically over the years and seems to have decided that he is a good man, a good father, but she doesn’t want to “be” with him emotionally anymore. I’m sure there are things I don’t know, and some things I can’t tell in this forum, but I’m not getting it.
His story is that he loves her dearly (as far as I know, he hasn’t cheated or anything like that…) and wants to be married and wants to be “in love” with her (and she with him). He views some of the difficulties they’ve had as just “life,” growing up making mistakes, etc. He doesn’t understand why she has severed the emotional connection. On the surface they look great, beautiful couple; respectful, smart, and beautiful kids, great house, great jobs, etc. If I didn’t know, I mean, if they hadn’t shared with me I would never believe they have this kind of deep problem between them.
It worries me. On the selfish side, I wonder about women, mostly my wife. What makes them cheat? I thought that we would always be “in love.” I know that sometimes there are things going on that distract me (and her, I’m sure) from wanting intimacy, or being affectionate, or being emotionally close (definitely more her than me…smile). The story makes me believe that it has to be something really big between them to make her pull back on her emotional connection.
What makes people do that? I keep thinking that it is abuse or cheating or something really, really big. What else could it be? Help me understand because she is talking of raising their kids (teens…) and then taking a break from their marriage. He is hurt and getting angry that he can’t make her laugh anymore. Talking him through frustration is sapping the fun out of our “guy time…” Sometimes he seems a little more flirty than he used to be when we’re out… So, like I said, I’m getting a little worried. It’s making me watch my wife a little more closely, too.
Hi Rob I believe what is happening is your friend's wife is not feeling the love like she once felt and shared with her husband, from a woman's point of view "WE" become emotionally disconnected whenever, we are ignore or abuse verbally or physically and sometimes when we are treated with a lack of respect. As women we do not only want feel that we are needed only for s*xual pleasure or gratification, some men thinks that the only time to show affection with their significant other is whenever, they want to engage in s*x. Your friend's wife admit that her husband is a great provider,good father,protector.... she is probably feeling that he is not the guy she fell in love with. Just to share my thoughts on this ladies, please realise that no one remains the same, over time people "CHANGE" change is inevitable, and what I have come to realise is that during dating we meaning both male and female alike ware mask or put on a facade so the true colors of that person is not seen not until that person drops act therefore, when truth is reveal we aren't able to handle it, so we look for things and other people to met those other needs. Thats why people cheat! there also other reason too. Rob your friend's wife wants the lover, the guy who was romantic when they frist met. Over time your friend's wife have become isolated and withdrawn because she is not getting the attention that she so desire to have from her "MAN" again he can meet her every need but the primary one which is to FEEL LOVE and SPECIAL is not being met. Please remember we are human beings with emotional, physical and spritual needs that we really want our men to met, but listen ladies he will not be able to meet all our needs, some need only CHRIST while our men try to meet the others. Males have their own needs to ladies that they are expecting us to meet but remember only some of their needs too we can meet. The intimacy that your friend's wife use to feel is possible what is missing and she migh not have communicated that to her husband. (Again ladies men don't read minds neither do we!) I can not emphasize enough that communication is the KEY to ALL our relationships. Guess I could go on and speak about the biopsychosocialspritual factors that could be affecting this relationship to elaborate a little on the BIO-PSYCHO-SOCIAL-SPRITUAL factors meaning as human beings we are made up of BODY,SOUL AND SPRIT therefore, in some cases for women we tend to go through a lot of biological changes in our bodies especially as we age or have our monthly menstrual cycle, we have different moon swing and alot of hormone changes that is taking place in our bodies guys! that sometimes if we don't tell/talk about you really would not know what happening with us, so LADIES its good to talk about what you are feeling....especially as you go through PMS- PRE-MENSTRUAL SYNDROME. TALK TALK!! I will share about the PSYCHO! guys don't get any ideas this word does not mean that we are "PSYCHOPATH" its more about our cognitive behaviour and mental processes, how we process things differently from men. I will share more about this in my next post.
Sunday, August 10th 2008 at 1:57PM
Tiehu Clarke
Rob, She might have fallen out of love with him but still love him, but speaking from experience there is a big difference between being in love and loving a person. When a person fall out of love it's very hard to reconnect again when a third party gets involved love is a two way street. A man doesn't understand that a woman always forgives, but she never forgets and things add up after a period of time(you are not aware about) and black women today will leave you in a heartbeat or catch a case.
P.S Straight from the Chi-City
Sunday, August 10th 2008 at 2:11PM
ANGELIA WARE
Well, when I was married a few weeks after the marriage my then husband begin abusing me. At that point I became detached and other feelings and emotions and love for him was gone from that point. The only thing I was doing was planning my escape in my head. Sometimes when you are hurt by the person you love this causes friction "in some cases" in the marriage. That maybe the beginning of lost moments. If the marriage lacks open communication and honesty then the marriage really doesnt have anything to stand on. So husband's chase your wife around the house, wife's let your husband catch you. Don't become so rigid with marriage life that you forget the reasons why you fell in love to begin with and always share laughters.
My point is just because she longer "laughs at your jokes" doesn't mean she is cheating. There maybe other things going on.
Etana
Sunday, August 10th 2008 at 6:04PM
Etana Busara
Your Question to me: "In this case I wonder if there was some kind of abuse that this wife couldn't take (maybe verbal). "
Yes it could be verbal. There are all sorts of abuse verbal and communication. The verbal hurts just as hard as a slap across the face. Another hurt is loss of affection. I can only imagine if I was married and my husband stop looking at me, stopped touching me, no longer wanted to lay with me that would hurt as well. I'm not saying this is what happened to her but this is just in response to your question to me.
Sunday, August 10th 2008 at 9:42PM
Etana Busara
A lot of times men can say things that can break a woman's spirit and when you do that the damage is done and it cant be fixed. Then again its always two sides to a story. So it may not be all the husband's fault or the wife's fault. When it comes to someone backing away from you emotionally , cheating is not always the case. Also when someone is not laughing at your jokes or not communicating with you about how they feel about something you said or done, they dont have to be cheating when a person does that then.. Thats why you have to be careful what you do or say around and to your husband or wife it can cause permanent damage mentally , emotionally and psychologically.
When a woman hurts, it affects her for the rest of her life. Men you may not think that what you may say or do to her may be detrimental because it doesnt seem that way to YOU. When a woman loves you and gives her heart to you and trust you with it, she doesnt expect you to break it.
Monday, August 11th 2008 at 6:57PM
Sharmain Spann
First things first....there are some things that have happen that you will never hear of...for there are always to sides to every story. It may be that they have grown apart and don't know how to pull it back together. I have found that relationships that began as far back as high school began to crumble as the two grow into who they really are. And in some cases one may grow and the other may remain exactly as they were when they started. This could surely cause some stress on a marraige. Moreover, a marraige requires work every second, every minute, every 30 minutes, every hour, every day, every year. It is constantly meant to be worked at, to enhance for the better. One must start out how they can keep up, because what got him/her is what it will take to keep him/her. What it took to get him/her is what it will take to keep him/her. But in marriages we get so comfortable and forget these important keys. The marraiges that we see that have lasted a life time. I challenge you to ask them both of their mistakes and the times it all most was over. It requires overall constant Dedication!! However remember it either is or it ain't, sometimes it is best to let it go, for different reasons come into play of course. Nothing, Nothings perfect! However we can surely strive for perfection. Maybe they should just start over, Date Each Other again within their marriage and do it like teenagers!!! Friendship & Romance!!
Monday, August 18th 2008 at 1:24PM
Toni Stanford
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS DEEP, I FEEL SO BAD FOR THEM BOTH, I FEEL LIKE THEY SHOULD GO TO SEE SOMEONE, QUICK!!!!!!!!!! I THINK THAT IF THEY CAN'T TRUST EACH OTHER IT REALLY WONT WORK AND THEY REALLY SHOULD SEARCH THEIR SELF AND IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE TOGETHER THEY MUST BE REAL WITH THERE SELF BECAUSE NO ONE HAS TO LIVE WITH THE RESULTS BUT THEM SO NO MATTER WHAT I SAY OR YOU THEY WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE DECISONS THAT THEY MAKE AND I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE AND I AM NOT HAPPY.
Thursday, August 21st 2008 at 10:12PM
Martha Davis
