As I have been talking to many couples, one thing has really stood out. The majority of marriage related issues can be traced back to the foundations of that marriage. Just like a house, the depth to which you dig, the kind of stones, concrete and so on contribute to the strength of the house. Unfortunately, many couples don’t take their marriage foundations seriously and tend to be surprised when cracks emerge in their marriage and the blame game begins. Let us examine a few areas that are critical to the building of a marriage foundation:
The Place of God in the Marriage: Many couples come together in either what we call come we stay marriages or end up in a church before family and friends. Either way, very rarely do you speak to a couple and find that they had spent time in prayer seeking God to give them the RIGHT marriage partner.
God is normally good when a crisis comes in and is more or less some sort of fire brigade. We forget that marriage is a covenant between a man, woman and God. Scripture tells us not to lean on our own understanding but to acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. God is the only one who can see whether you are compatible. He knows how your life will be a few years down the road. You have no way of knowing and while many of us select our spouses like kids in a candy store, you know that sooner or later the same candy may give you tooth aches or cavities. A couple must take time to seek God’s superior will which is sometimes what we don’t want to hear but is what is best. Any couple will tell you that it is not possible to remain happily married without God’s input. He will teach you to love your partner when he/she is totally unlovable and even does not look anything like the person you met. He will teach you to love his/her family (trust me you need this). He will teach you to forgive and even stand in the gap in prayer for those that wrong you in the family.
Soul Ties: In this day and age, it is practically a miracle to find a couple getting married where both parties are virgins. It is almost taboo. Chances are they have engaged in pre-marital s*x with each other or with previous relationship partners. While on the surface this may not appear to be a problem, the truth of the matter is that when one engages in s*x, they give away a lot more than they can imagine. Going into marriage, previous soul ties must be broken or else they are brought into the couple’s s*xual relationship and you can be rest assured this is a recipe for disaster in the bedroom. It is therefore no wonder that there is so much mpango wa kando going on. A couple should break these ties through repentance, denounciation and reconciliation with God. Take time also to discuss your expectations in marriage as you also find that what men expect and what women expect are very different. Our culture has not taught us to discuss such things but I believe such a discussion will lay the framework for a happy and healthy s*xual relationship. In any case, it will come up later and you may not be in a position to be objective then.
Family Baggage: As one gets married, they come in with loads of baggage. Most of it comes from the family. You will find that one expects to deal with their spouse in the same way that they deal with their relatives. Some shout at each other to resolve issues, others don’t believe in apologizing, others sweep issues under the carpet and never address them. Unresolved family issues will be dragged into the marriage especially where the individual has had strained parental relationships. It is important to address these issues to avoid making your husband to be your father or your wife to be your mother. One cannot ignore family tendencies also. Back in the day, families checked out the background of others to determine whether their children should marry into those families. This was because they understood patterns that followed in families. Today we seem not to pay much attention. It is important if you are getting married, find out how many of the relatives are happily married. Find out health history of the family. How many have an alcohol problem. There may be a possibility that some of these challenges will affect you. The same applies for positive patterns. The Bible calls them blessings and curses. If there are more curses than blessings, pray and ask God to help you break these patterns if this is the family He is sending you into.
Money: This is probably one of the most explosive issues. Couples rarely sit down to discuss how to run family finances and expectations are based on backgrounds or social expectations. A couple must remember they are not to aim to live like their friends but should have goals specific to them based on the family vision. Trust must be cultivated in this area to avoid problems in the future. Most people here are fighting to be independent as they feel that to surrender their finances will mean giving up total control of who they are.
The couple must trust each other and have each other’s best interest at heart if they are to grow their marriage. Their identity should not be based on their finances but rather on who God made them to be. Ask yourself what would happen if your spouse had no money. Does this mean the relationship is over? If one spouse is not well and the other has to fend for the family, will you be bragging about your contribution? You must decide where you want to be as a couple ten, twenty years down the road.
Set a proper foundation for your marriage by addressing these areas and begin your life together on the right note.
Article By Korry - The Eden Bride.
Wanjiru Bachia (Korry) is the founder of The Eden Bride
The Eden Bride seeks to help couples getting married and even those already in the marriage institution have a firm foundation so they can grow old together in matrimonial bliss.
