BY: Donnie Smith - 30 Oct '13 | Single Black and Married With Kids.com A Positive Image of Marriage and Family
Often, when looking for love we start by thinking about what the other person should have… An education, a job, a car, etc. In my experience, the search for love should start with self.
My first husband and I were together for all the wrong reasons. In my case, he represented safety and security because he was from the city that I was new to. He was much older than me and I needed his guidance and assistance. In his case, I was a rebound. I was on a spiritual journey and he wanted to make me his disciple (he was a Five Percenter).
When we got together neither of us had anything substantial to offer, so we were dependent on each other and we were also holding each other back. Oddly enough, after we divorced I was able to really become the woman God wanted me to be and he was able to find peace in Islam and become a disciple, rather than trying to create his own disciples.
Fast forward and I meet the man who would become my next husband. At that point I could get around Chicago on my own. I had a great job, my own car and I was writing regularly. He didn’t even live in Chicago but it was his tweet about creating an organization that drew me to him.
It was strictly business at first, we developed bi-laws, a mission statement and had even started working on funding. Our conversations started veering into the personal and we realized we had so much in common – childhoods filled with lots of trauma, a fierce commitment to community and a love of words. We weren’t looking to fulfill our physical needs. The only thing we needed from each other at the time was encouragement. We were able to really spend time getting to know each other because our needs were being met.
What I’ve learned is that when you don’t have what you need in terms of shelter, transportation or money, it is easy to look for someone to provide those things, and you get so blinded by their willingness to help you, that you may be looking past who they really are. They could be controlling, abusive or manipulative. You may end up settling for much less than you deserve or compromising on your values.
When you focus on becoming the best you that you can be, those who can’t measure up aren’t even in your range of vision, nor do they want to be. For two people to truly be partners they have to nearly be equal in what they bring to the table, and if you are very far from where you need or want to be, focus on developing yourself and you will draw a suitable partner to you!
Have you discovered that true love starts with you? Tell us about your experience in the comment section.
Donnie Nicole Smith is an adolescent education expert and lifestyle blogger. From her traumatic childhood to her triumphant womanhood – she shares pieces of her public marriage & relationship to grammy-award winning “raptivist” Che “Rhymefest” Smith and her private fertility challenges.
