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She's dating again (2906 hits)

One of the most annoying things about men and dating these days is that for the life of them, they just can't seem to be upfront about their intentions. I think if they were, the outcomes they desired would probably be more likely of happening. But for whatever reason, most men choose to lie or trick... (SIGH) Case in point -- On Thanksgiving night, I got a text from my homegirl asking whether or not I could slip away from the family and go for drinks. I was definitely up for it because after traveling three hours to Philadelphia, hanging with family I never get to see, sneaking my dog into a hotel, and dodging questions about when I was gonna settle down, I could certainly use a drink or two.

After training my dog not to cry each time I left the hotel room, I met up with my girlfriend outside my hotel in Old City. We were going to go to Northern Liberties to a great hamburger/lounge/bar called, PYT, but my nerves wouldnt allow me to stray too far from the hotel. I was worried that my dog might go ballistic and then I would be kicked out. So, we settled on an upscale Irish Pub, the Plough & the Stars, on 2nd St. instead. The pub was warm, with a huge fireplace on one wall, and an inviting atmosphere. Not many people were out, but there were a few patrons enjoying the homey place that looked like it had formerly been a bank. We speculated that maybe a 100 years ago, it had been the home of a wealthy Philadelphia family. Anyway, the bartender had an authentic Irish accent, making my friend and I believe we had definitely settled in at the right spot.

We hadn't been there long, and were in the middle of pondering why we felt the need to consume so much material items when a smooth voice behind us asked, "What are you beautiful ladies drinking tonight?"

Both my friend and I turned at the same time to see a very handsome, well dressed guy who looked to be about our age standing behind us. He was wearing a black velvet blazer, a Burberry scarf, a peach buttonup, jeans and sensible shoes. His haircut was PERFECT. (which we complimented him on) He was clean shaven, but had thick dark eyebrows and and jet black hair. I wondered if it was dyed, because it was so dark.

He said his name was "A," and we told him our names. He asked again what we were drinking and we told him it was the Autumn sangria, which wasn't very tasty. I told him as much and asked whether he wanted to try it. He did, and took a sip. My friend remarked that it tasted like cherry-flavored Tylenol with cinnamon, and he said he understood how one could think that. I told him to pull up a stool, and he did, behind, but between my friend and me. We made small talk about Thanksgiving, being with friends, and our most recent topic of consuming so much. I said that as Americans its like indoctrinated in us to always grab more and more, but there's really nothing wrong with not having the latest this or that. He agreed. We spoke about a bunch of stuff and eventually we asked him what he did and that's when he handed me his business card. He said he was in sales and strategy. During our conversation, I learned that he was originally from Russia, and had immigrated to Atlanta with his family when he was six. He spoke Yiddish, Hebrew and Russian. I spoke a little Hebrew and we exchanged a few words. He had a great smile, and that haircut was giving me life! He said it had better look good since that was his family's business. He told us that he flew to Atlanta just for a haircut. My friend and I exchanged looks that mirrored each other -- one eyebrow raised that said, "Okay, Mr. Baller. Hopping states for a haircut!"

He was very debonair and smooth. He complimented us on our pretty smiles, hair and outfits, and for a while, I thought he was simply out alone on Thanksgiving looking for conversation. He was mildly flirtatious, but I wasnt sure whether he was interested in me or my friend. Not that it mattered, because meeting a hottie was the last thing on my mind. I was still partially preoccupied with thoughts of one of the hotel staff ringing my cell demanding I get rid of the illegal canine guest in room 427. We chatted the night away, and A bought us another round of drinks. This time we were more wise and chose something palatable. I had the pumpkin something, and my friend had the apple something. I forget what A had.

When the lights in the pub came up signaling time to go, A paid the tab. My friend and I exchanged looks again, because he paid for the drinks we had ordered before he had even joined us. In other words, he got brownie points again.

We walked outside and A accompanied us to my friend's car. He then made it clear that he was interested in me when he asked how often I get to Philly. I told him almost never and he said we would have to change that. Me and my girl knew what that meant, so she said goodbye, and got into her car. I told A that I would walk him to his car, which A said wasn't far. When we were about half a block away from where my friend was parked, A asked me if he could drive me to her car. I told him I didnt know him well enough to get into his car, and besides, she was only half a block away. He accepted that, and took both of my hands in his. He looked into my eyes and said, "I had a great time tonight, and I would like to see you again." I said, "Me too. But ummm are you sure, you want to see me again? You know, the whole interracial thing?" He looked heavenward before setting his eyes back on mine before answering, "Yup." I said, "Are you sure?" He said, "Yup." I said, "Great, then call me. No,I will call you." He laughed before bringing my hands to his lips. Then he said something that wiped the smile off my face. He said, "I love to pleasure a woman...." I didnt hear the rest because my internal monologue screamed, "Awwww damn, he's after some ass!" I said, "Listen, Im not looking for a lay. But it was nice meeting you." He said, "Oh, no. I know that's easy to find. Im not either." I said, "Okay." In my head, I finished that thought with, "Time will tell."

I didnt have to wait long to find out what his intentions were. Later that morning/night he texted me to let me know he was in safe and sound. The next day, (Friday) he texted me to make small talk and asked me what my plans were. I told him brunch with my sister, then driving home. He even asked if I wanted company, which I thought was cute. I asked if he was willing to drive all the way to Virginia, and he said he was. I told him I couldnt ask him to do that, because I knew (not that I told him this part) that I wasnt going to allow him to spend the night. I thought that maybe I would take another trip to Philly in the very near future and we could have dinner or something though.

Anyway, so far so good right? WRONG
I texted him Saturday asking him whether he was seeing anyone, or married. I usually ask right away, but the way things had gone the other night, I sort of had my guard down. But I did remember eventually, and so I asked. Guess what? I got no response for an entire day. On Sunday, I got a text that said, "Hey. Im trying to figure that out." Now, that could be taken two ways. It could be that he was trying to hint to me that he was interested, or.... he was in a relationship that he didnt want to be in and was contemplating getting out of it. Either way it was evasive and I HATE games. I texted him back, "Huh? Explain." I never got an answer. Well, that was yesterday and today is Monday. This morning I decided to text him. I said, "I thought you were someone I would have liked to get to know, and I expected a straight answer. Actually, from your silence, I have my answer. But to let you know, I am not a side piece."

I still havent heard from him. So, I guess A's intentions were to have fun for the night. Or to have some long-distance booty. I don't understand why someone would want to travel three states to get a piece, but men are weird creatures.

Im not saying that I would have spent the night with A if he had simply come out and propositioned me. But, maybe I would have been open to a friends with benefits relationship, if that's what he was looking for. I mean, he was attractive, and well mannered. Obviously he was financially stable, so I would have kept an open mind. Hell, Im not seeing anyone, not even as a "buddy," so he actually had a chance. If he would have been more upfront, he may have gotten lucky. Might not have been that night, but, well, I'm sure you get where I'm coming from.

Lesson learned: Guys need to just say what they want, because if they play their cards right, they may just get it. But deception and disguise will get you nowhere! It only makes a girl lose respect.
Posted By: Shaahn Williams
Monday, November 28th 2011 at 4:28PM
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A bar probably isn't the best place to expect to meet a life partner. Moreover, I'm not sure what you were expecting of " A" but it is obvious to me that he wasn't looking for anything but a "lay". Why don't you try to relax a little and allow things to happen naturally allowing the man to pursue instead of feeling the need ( perhaps unconsciouly) to be in control as evidenced by your interrogation via text to a person you didn't take the time to get to know. FYI: The guy was upfront with you when, "...He said, "I love to pleasure a woman...." and you got offended... What's wrong with having a little pleasure? You obviously would have entertained the idea of "friends with benefits".

Monday, November 28th 2011 at 5:25PM
Jen Fad
I dont think the place you meet someone determines the type of person they are. If that was the case, I would have to say that he should have expected me to be an easy lay, since i was in a pub. The pub wasnt the least bit sleazy, and no, I was not there to meet a life partner. I was there to have a drink with my girlfriend. A, brought himself into our little world. The whole point of the blog was to say that a one night stand is what he was looking for, then he should have said as much. LOL that's all. It wasnt about us establishing a bond to lead into the future. It was about him being open and honest. Who's to say I wouldnt have wanted a similar situation? But since he tried to act like he wanted to get to know me "mentally", all he did was lose my respect.
Monday, November 28th 2011 at 5:27PM
Shaahn Williams
Oh, and i dont think one question is an interrogation, or controlling. Its simply one question. LOL and a relevant one at that.
Monday, November 28th 2011 at 5:29PM
Shaahn Williams
Well, he could have gotten pretty busy. That happens sometimes. You don't really know until some time passes. Could be anything. Family emergency, work emergency, lost cell phone, etc. Not making excuses for him, but since you are just getting to know him, he is not quite obligated to text within a certain time period :-) right? But one thing about men that are bold like that... If they approach you with that perfect game, then that means they have done it a million times. What you want is the guy that had to try really hard to work up the nerve to come speak, and then it doesnt go down so perfect, then you have a guy who is not a professional pick up artist. Feel me?
Monday, November 28th 2011 at 6:11PM
Will Moss
Great blog by the way!
Monday, November 28th 2011 at 6:12PM
Will Moss

[...a one night stand is what he was looking for, then he should have said as much. LOL ]

Are you for real? I can hear every guy now, “Hi my name is ______ and I want to make love to you tonight. My place or your place? “

Why is it that young independent women think that they can just make their own rules for dating? Case in point, a colleague and I went out for breakfast after working the overnight shift and she was telling me that she told her new guy about her ole guy who she's still friends with because she felt she needed to be "honest" because she doesn't like to play games with people.

I scratched my head wondering why on Earth she would do such a thing,because she just felt the need to divulge that on the first date. I suggested that she not do that in the future if she wanted to really have a chance in a r/ship because basically she had messed up her opportunity with the new hottie she'd met. She said that she like to be nice so I simply suggested that she not create rules for dating but to go by the existing rules that everyone else in the world have used and go by.

Monday, November 28th 2011 at 6:15PM
Jen Fad

I've been approached by many different men and I know that I value honesty over all else. Its a case of my own safety. Think about it. If A is married and he never told me and we carry on whatever type of relationship he is looking for, homegirl might key my car, or call my job or something. Hell, i dunno. But i would have never even had the chance to avoid the drama if i didnt know it existed. (I dont mess with people who are involved. ) When people are deceptive, it takes the other person's power away. I too would tell my new man that i was friends with an ex. Im friends with most of my ex's and that has never gotten in the way of a blossoming relationship, because the new guy could never accuse me of lying, or being deceptive about the old one. Would I throw it in his face all early? No. LOL But either way, back to the topic at hand... if A would have said, Sha'ahn, youre a beautiful girl, and I would love to get to know you better, but Im not looking for anything solid, just one night would suffice, or whenever youre in town maybe we could hook up, then that laid it all there. But what did he do? He LIED. When I told him i wasnt looking for a lay, he said, "oh, thats too easy, me either." And to be frank, i def wouldnt have went back with him because of my dog in the hotel, but I may have visited him in Dec. You know? I abhor dishonesty. It just takes my power of choice away. Maybe thats controlling, but I think its simply having the ability to make an informed decision.
Monday, November 28th 2011 at 6:21PM
Shaahn Williams
Will, that is true. you have a point. He's in sales by trade, so hes a smooth talker period. That wasnt my problem. My issue was him lying about what he wanted. I asked him flat out and he said no. LOL When he meant yes. And as far as the texting, regardless of time it took to text back, when he did, he didnt answer the question. Thats why i think he was in a relationship. (BTW, his other texts were back to back, and he initiated them all. Only when I asked the question did he stall out for a couple days! LOL)
Monday, November 28th 2011 at 6:24PM
Shaahn Williams

How polite of you, but you being a man know that this guy will not be contacting Shaahn again. It's best that she not expect anything more and take this as a teachable moment. Guys love to keep women in the dark about their intentions which is why everyone woman needs a copy of Steve Harvey's book, "Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man" or whatever the title is...

Monday, November 28th 2011 at 6:24PM
Jen Fad

I knew when it took him a day to give me that evasive answer that A wouldnt be contacting me again. LOL But I think Steve Harvey's book is horrible. I dont believe in dating rules... This is the only rule I live my love life by and its worked so far: "It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy; it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others." -Jane Austen

When its there, you know it. It just happens naturally. Theres no deception, or lies. Both accept each other flaws and all. And it simply works!
Monday, November 28th 2011 at 6:31PM
Shaahn Williams
Actually some guys do get busy and he will probably resurface at some point. I don't know if he was a smooth talking liar nor not, but I say, give people the benefit of the doubt but prepare yourself for the worst. Maybe he is ending a relationship, it does sound iffy, but hey he didn't seem to commit to an answer yet so he has not yet lied :-). But I would not hit him back though if I was the woman in this scenario. If he is interested and available he will reach back out when whatever is going on passes. It is to early to pass judgement, way too early. Just take it that he was interested in you, but don't know exactly what he was interested in yet. Here is the other thing to consider - When a guy first meets a women, all he knows is that she is attractive (or not). He does not yet know if she is girlfriend material or even wife material, so it is really too early to speculate on what a man wants when he approaches.
Monday, November 28th 2011 at 6:39PM
Will Moss

{ Im friends with most of my ex's and that has never gotten in the way of a blossoming relationship, because the new guy could never accuse me of lying, or being deceptive about the old one.}

Well that depends on how you look at it... You said that you are feinds with some of your ex's. This means that for whatever reason, things didn't work out and thus you are still on the market.

I asked my colleague why she was friends with her ex stil? If a r/ship didn't work out, what's the point in keeping in contact with the personif there are no children involved? If it didn't work out there is no reason to be friends. THink about it like this, while one donesn't have to be an enemy, one doens't have to be a friend either. I'm sure if the tables were turned, most woemen wouldn't feel comfortable with a their guy being friends with an ex.

I told this colleague that she shouldn't try to create her own rules... and if you take the time to evaluate all the opportunites that didn't develop into a proposal, it's probably because all the guys know that men and women really can't be JUST friends.

[I dont believe in dating rules... This is the only rule I live my love life by and its worked so far: ]

Dating Rule have always existed whether one believes in them or not. Men pursue... that's a rule. Women who allow nature to take its course, end up with the proposals and going home with the guy for keeps.

I'm just saying.

Monday, November 28th 2011 at 6:50PM
Jen Fad
@ Will,

[it does sound iffy, but hey he didn't seem to commit to an answer yet so he has not yet lied :-). ]

You should go into Politics or purse Law. Ha!

Monday, November 28th 2011 at 6:55PM
Jen Fad
This was a really classic blog. I love the male female relationship topic especially since I'm single and coming up against the same scenarios haha
Monday, November 28th 2011 at 8:05PM
Will Moss

I guess Im a rule breaker because many many times, Ive been the pursuer. And it works for me. Im aggressive and ive been told by men that they appreciate not having to make the first move. I get pursued a lot, and I am attracted to men who make me work to get them, as opposed to the way you say the RULES work. You would be surprised to know that I have been single for eight years by choice. And in those 8 years, I have had THREE marriage proposals, by three different men. i was just not ready to settle down yet. Now that I am, Im chronicling my experiences in a blog. When the right guy comes along, I guess I will run out of material. But until then, Im having fun. Enjoy!
Monday, November 28th 2011 at 8:33PM
Shaahn Williams
If it's working for you... no need to change, eh? I enjoyed reading your blog. I didn't come up with the Rules, but I play by them. Perhaps this is the reason why there are many singles among us and they aren't like you... single by choice but would like a serious r/ship like my colleague. Rules exist in every aspect of our society its just the way the world is. There are things in life that exist whether we want to adhere to them or not. Take care.

Monday, November 28th 2011 at 9:02PM
Jen Fad
All i got to say is dating is so scary, I been there and a good man is hard to find so if you find one girltry to keep him
Monday, November 28th 2011 at 9:12PM
Writing, sometimes it's the best way to see yourself. It doesn't matter if you meet in a Pub or the private library, when you expect something yet are hesitant to express those desires, bam. Basically you've opened yourself up for the hit! He and She both have an agenda, step to the chase with integrity and your character will have already been defined. There is a saying "game recognizes game", many use it but few understand the collective applications. Deceptions/Disquises, they started with the compliments, you know that. I'm not about to knock how you went in, I am gonna let you know how to win! You've expressed yourself very well, now... Take what 'cha learned from the encounter, keep it movin' and don't let it spoil your goodness.
Monday, November 28th 2011 at 11:02PM
The22ndG G
@ Dawn

I'm not sure why dating is scary for you, because it's fun for so many women. If you are willing to take the "lid off the box" (interracial dating like Shaahn has that is if you haven't done so already); there are so many wonderfully delicious flavors of men to choose from!

@ GG

That's exactly what I mean when I speak of the Rules... of Life is that everyone has an agenda and to deny that fact is being naive. We ladies need to be real with and acknowledge the Rule that every person has an agenda when they approach us. In order not to get played, we need to find out what that agenda is in order to play or better yet not get played by a playa and his handbook.

Rule #1 men don't want to just be friends with a woman unless he's Homos*xual or a Tranny... if a man says anything other than that... He's lying and I don't need to ever have him to say so... because I know the Rules... of Life... And that's how I've kept it movin' since acknowledging that people are all actors on a stage and I have to know my part in order to play and not get played...

Tuesday, November 29th 2011 at 8:48AM
Jen Fad
The post started ou as beleivable then slowing starting to turn into a boring romance novel. I stopped reading.
Tuesday, November 29th 2011 at 10:26AM

That may be your life experience, but I have had plenty of male friends who would never try to be anything more. Maybe because I am a Marine and its more men than women everywhere, but I have plenty of true friends that arent attracted to me that way. I think your view is narrow-minded and assumes that all men must find a woman s*xually attractive in order to befriend her. That makes men seem awfully barbaric and animalistic. What about their brains? We all have one. I would like to think that my uncle, father, brother and other men in my life are able to have platonic relationships. More importantly, what would that say about the Creator, to make a man that way?
Tuesday, November 29th 2011 at 11:09AM
Shaahn Williams

Not sure of your motive for posting a comment to a post you didnt finish reading, but thank you for taking the time to check it out. And I can assure you, its all true -- boring romance novel notwithstanding. LOL
Tuesday, November 29th 2011 at 11:11AM
Shaahn Williams
@ Shaahn,
I can understand why you would think I was narrow minded becasue I'm ole' skool and if you consider that closed minded...then I'm guilty. Your idea of being open minded, chasing men is definitely something I'm not feelin'. On that note, I will say I have to agree to disagree with you.

Tuesday, November 29th 2011 at 6:06PM
Jen Fad
@ Toni,

I understand that many men don't like reading so that's probably why you called the blog boring but all that was boring was your comment. ((yawn))
Tuesday, November 29th 2011 at 6:08PM
Jen Fad
jen , okay you are so clever lmao, favors of man alright Ms.Jen
Thursday, December 1st 2011 at 9:56PM
@ Dawn,

That's right! One has to see it has having a variety of flavors to choose from like pralines and creme, butter toffey, chocolate chip, vanilla, cookies and creme.... Imagine if the rainbow had only one color... that would be a pretty boring rainbow, eh? My late uncle dated women of many backgrounds and I over heard him say to one of his sisters (when I was only 7 years old) that all women are the same color (pinK) "down there". I remember going home getting a mirror to look and he was right~ Ha!

Moreover I've taken care of many different "flavors of men" being priveledged to work in the health care field... I've seen with my own "two eyes" (well maybe "four eyes" becasue I wear glasse) not all Black men are "hung low" as well as there are many White men who are heavy boned/structured... so don't believe the hype about "once you go Black you don't go back" that only further strokes the brothas' egos...

It's just hype to keep the sistahs from crossing over to the other side. Here's food for thought Dawn... "curiosty may have killed the cat" but the cat had 8 other lives. Don't knock it until you've tried it and definitely don't listen to the brothas telling Black women that we are traitors... We too can slap faces... why should they be the only ones? ... (Lol)

Saturday, December 3rd 2011 at 10:04AM
Jen Fad
Okay, I had to say something - lol...first:


I'm not quite sure how I feel about reducing our relationship choices to flavorful colors of men - lol...likening them to delectable desserts all lined up and waiting to be tested. But hey, to each their own. Just an interesting choice of words that's all.


I don't know if anyone's shared the memo with you but men ARE barbaric and animalistic, and the last time I checked, those things aren't necessarily all that terrible - in their element of course. I hate to sound cliched, but men are hunter/gathers, which would (for semantics sake) equate them to some form of barbarism.

They do not think with their hearts first. That's us. We see a man (and this is empirical so please don't take it personally), but, when women see men, we automatically know if that man is someone we can tolerate for more than five seconds in some type of relationship.

On the other hand, when men see women, they start (some of them) from head to toe; or hips to toe; or whatever brings them to salute. And I think Will already alluded to this, men don't look at women in terms of a relationship, first. That comes somewhere down the line (I personally am still working on trying to figure out exactly when that happens - but that's neither here nor there).

I know we like to think the men close to us are above and beyond the junk we see in other fellows, but they are just men. I look at my 11 year old son, and I love him with my life, but I also know who his father is, and the relationship that we had; and as they say, the apple don't fall far from the tree. And trust me, I teach him different, but alas, I am NOT a man, and he, at this point in his life, doesn't really relate to me as a woman. He sees his father and the other men in his life, and those are his models. I see it like this, I teach and show him how to be, and his dad, well, he shows him what to do (if that makes any sense).

Men are men. And alas, women are women. The familial relationships women have with men doesn't some how dismiss those men from being like the other men that aren't so decent. Trust me, I've had some conversations with my mother, and if he wasn't my father, I'd probably never want to talk to him again :-). But good, bad, or indifferent, I love him for who he is in my life.

And, since when did a man have to be s*xually attracted to a woman to sleep with her. That one kind of made me chuckle. I see your point, you being in the Marines and all, but don't think for five seconds if the opportunity didn't present itself that those so called 'only friends' wouldn't take advantage of some of your goodies.

It is what it is. Men like s*x. Point blank. Bottom Line. And I challenge anybody to argue that little fact. If a man could have s*x all day, every day, and still carry on with his life....do I even need to finish that sentence...lol...I'm just putting it out there - for debate's sake...any takers?
Monday, December 5th 2011 at 3:49PM
Tashana Sims Hudspeth

I still must disagree with your assessment of ALL men think with the small head first. Just like I dont believe ALL women place their hearts behind their clits (not to be brash). I think many YOUNG men are easily swayed by their peens, but MATURE men are past that stage. Contrary to what you think, many men do NOT want to have s*x all day every day. Im soryy that those are the types of men youve come across in your lifetime, but I have met many men of substance. There are men who can be platonic. Its a fact whether you choose to acknowledge it or not. I too have an 11-year-old son. He is very much a child and hasnt started with puberty yet, but I talk to him a lot about girls and things to expect. He is sstill into Naruto and stuff right now (Thank Yah) but I know the time is coming. I simply cant believe that my creator would make men that way. So are you saying Jesus was the same way? He was a man, after all. So was he s*xing Mary Magdalene?
Monday, December 5th 2011 at 4:08PM
Shaahn Williams
@ Tanasha,

I agree with your assessment and honestly its challenging talking to young women who think they know better than those of us who have been on the planet just a little longer. All I can say is that they have a lot more living to do. On the real though... you need to try thinking in terms of men of other ethnic backgrounds in terms of "flavors" because it makes exploring other cultures interesting.

Monday, December 5th 2011 at 6:16PM
Jen Fad
Sounds like we need to invite some more men into this thread... :)
Monday, December 5th 2011 at 8:19PM
Will Moss
I think its sad that you "oldheads" are so jaded. Sorry that youve met some horrible men who only saw you for your peeter, and not your mind. I may be young, but Im wise enough not to lump ALL men into one category. I know Im not like all women. Case in point, our differing opinions on this blog, and our dating styles. You are speaking from your own life experience. But that doesnt make you right. As far as women go, I recently read a blog about women who were extremely s*xual and none of them were looking for relationships. These are women from the 1500s up until today. So were they really men? LOL According to your theory they would be acting like men. But they werent. they were women who loved s*x and wanted to have lots of it.
Monday, December 5th 2011 at 8:45PM
Shaahn Williams
Will, I so agree with you.
Monday, December 5th 2011 at 8:45PM
Shaahn Williams
@ Shaahn,

...Sorry that youve met some horrible men who only saw you for your peeter, and not your mind....

Ha! You make me laugh because don't feel sorry for me; I'm a happily married woman (most of the times) with family. My experiences molded me and have been life lessons that I didn't have to experience had I listened to some OLD Heads. ((wink-wink)). Happy hunting to you. Oh didn't will Will say he was ALSO on the market? ((Lol))

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 10:58AM
Jen Fad
FYI: Will is the one sitting down in the pic...
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 11:00AM
Jen Fad
Wow Jen,

You're married? So you don't think your husband has the ability to friend a woman without wanting to have s*x with her? That has to be an extremely tough situation to be in. I mean, being married to a neanderthal who only sees women as s*xual objects. But then again, I guess you dont allow him to have female friends? Or, is he an exception? But then again, how could you marry someone you couldnt trust? I certainly wouldnt trust someone's who can't think with their big brain. Or do you chalk it up to nature, and simply accept his barbarism? The fact that you are married makes your argument that much more silly. Because who would want a man who wasnt in control of their flesh?
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 11:05AM
Shaahn Williams
Okay, this is truly laughable, and interesting. And let me just say this upfront, my name is spelled right in the tag line - please respect that and do the same as we converse. Attention to detail is so utterly important...please and thank you -- okay, moving on...

@ Shaahn

First, this is the first time anyone, other than my 11 year old, has referred to me as an 'old head' - lol. So, I'll just take that name branding with a grain of salt. And frankly if being an 'old head' means that I do not have to be subjected to the repeated, and unwise, mistakes of my youth - well then I wear that title with a badge of honor.

It really isn't about being jaded, and it pains me to hear that your conversations border on the offensive, as opposed to digesting this as some healthy dialogue. Let's be women about this, and dismiss the name calling so that we can all be heard - because truth be told - we have a lot to learn from young women and they have a world to learn from us.

That withstanding, it's admirable that you think all men don't think about s*x first. And please don't desecrate the image of Christ by inferring that because we are made in his likeness that he somehow is nothing more than 'just a man'. Christ is the image to which all men and women, should ascribe, but we know that all men (women included) are not there; hence adultery, fornication, wars, etc. etc. Remember, he was sent as the example.

Men, on this earth, on the other hand, are just that - men. I've lived long enough to understand how men think, and I appreciate them for who they are - not necessarily what they do or how they behave. But, like a snake (and please excuse the dogged analogy), you can't fault them for being who they are.

You never heard me say that I think something is wrong with those men that think of s*x first and everything else later. I think it's honest. And when we, as women, can get past that and move on to the more righteous qualities of men, we can begin to appreciate the whole and not just the sum of its parts.

We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. You fail to see the reality in some of the comments being relayed, for a sundry of reasons I suppose - but realize this, there are those who can see things you can not simply because they've been where you think you're trying to go.

I was not always an 'old head' lol...(still can't get used to that title - but hey). I was young, and naive, and thought that I could love him enough, or take care of him enough, or be smart enough - that he would be the 'right' way for me (whatever right is). But, I learned better.

I learned that you CAN NOT expect a man to be anything other than who he is. Case in point, if you meet, date, and marry a man that you met in a nightclub. How can you fault him for wanting to go out clubbing once you guys are a couple? That is how you met him.

If we, women, spent less time trying to change men into what we think they should be for us - we'd be much happier creatures - and that's my truth!

@ Jen,

I can appreciate your thoughts on dating outside of my race, but I have to be brutally honest; it has nothing to do with race for me. I just love BLACK MEN. My father is black, my son is black, and so on and so forth.

I take nothing away from what a man of a different race can provide - probably a great deal. However, I think we can all agree here, that you like what you like, and I like my brothers.

Now, if a brother from another colored mother wants to get with me (and they do), and he has those qualities that I am attracted to, then I am open and up to the challenge.

Again, it's not that I don't consider it, but I just haven't met a man, other than black or Hispanic, that really floats my boat - you know.

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 11:30AM
Tashana Sims Hudspeth

My apologies for not spelling your name correctly. My sister's name is tanisha, and I saw the 'na' before the "sh."

As for the "oldhead" moniker, again, my apologies if you are offended. I guess I dont see that term as a big deal because Im a Michael Baisden fan and he uses it so much, it's become part of my vocab. The reason I attributed that title to you is because you and Jen have said several times that you are older and more experienced and also made references to my being young. I guess I was wrong. Im 34. Baisden would call me a "young oldhead" LOL, but I digress.

Im not a Christian, although I used to be one. I am a Messianic Jew. If you know your scripture you will recall that Jesus was sent down in the body of a 'mere man" to be tempted as a man, the same way we all are, to show that we through he could overcome temptations of the flesh and our own natures so to speak. In that I would think that the Father would have given him the same viewpoint that you are saying ALL men possess. If he didnt, then the scripture would be a lie, and therefore our Messiah would not know what it was truly like to be a man, and walk in our shoes. So he was indeed JUST A MAN for a time. Hence, if you say that all men think with their little heads, then he must have had to overcome that intrinsic characteristic too. Oh, and even if I was not Messianic, I can say whatever I want about Messiah as long as I dont blaspheme the Holy Spirit. (Which is what the bible says) Ha ha, but I guess now Im getting into a pissing contest about who knows more scripture, so let me stop.

Back to the debate at hand, (which you did ask for a debate, so I dont understand why you are getting offended) I stand by what I believe about men and women. We can not all be generally stereotyped. There are overs*xed women who certainly do NOT think with their hearts first, just like there are sensitive men who are not gay, but do not think with the small head and are able to have strictly platonic relationships.

In my short life I have done a whoooole lot. I have been all over the world, and made many friends. Ive been married and divorced, served in the military (although im off active duty and am in reserves today), been on radio, tv, film and theater, have had my own business, single mother, been to college, befriended some phenomenal women (black astronauts, combat pilot, actresses, etc...), so I think my experience gives me a little room to talk.

And I accept that my experiences are my own, which has proven to me that not ALL men see women as s*xual objects before anything else. And I would argue that many women dont see people's hearts first. LOL Many, many women view men as s*xual objects. And if you want to go into some historical proof, in many civilizations, the men view(ed) boys as s*xual objects and women were for procreation only. This is prevalent in not only European civilization, but African, Asian and Indian societies.

Look it up.

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 12:01PM
Shaahn Williams

You wrote, "Attention to detail is so utterly important...please and thank you -- okay, moving on..."

You do know that you misspelled my name in your initial response right? It's cool, I didnt mind. But Im bringing it up, because you seemed offended that I misspelled yours enough to point it out, even though I did not do the same. I didnt think you misspelled my name on purpose, and I hope you dont think i did that out of disrespect. It was as you said, lack of attention to detail, and my brain imposing my sister's name onto yours.
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 12:11PM
Shaahn Williams
Oh, and not to be loquacious, but, I do not try to change the men I date. Why? Because I have been in two relationships where my partner tried to change me. That is not a good feeling. I believe in letting a person be who they are. If I am in a relationship with him, that doesnt give me a right to impose who I think he should be onto him. And I would hope that he would have the same respect for me. I hate when people try to change me. No bueno!


I think you are right about dating other races and exploring other cultures. Im not a huge fan of white guys, but Ive dated all types, from Persians to country white dudes. I find that I have more in common with people of color though, and that's who I end up in longer relationships with. Oh, and Indian guys don't do it for me either. they are super cheap!!! Even though they are usually well off and have good money practices.
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 12:16PM
Shaahn Williams

Well, maybe I did not make myself clear; it is so challenging to convey emotions when you're in this type of forum, but please understand, I don't offend easily - if I offend at all. I offer correction, but I don't take offense.

So, that said, I never stated any where in my response that I was older, or made any direct reference to you being 'less experienced'. I don't know you. Any responses I made regarding age or longevity are in direct response to the other posters.

I am not one to objectify any individual to whom I have no intimate knowledge, so I can only go by what I read here. And you are, as we all are, entitled to your opinions, and I respect any individual who has the intellect to forge an intelligent opinion, and not just one riddled in defense. So kudos to you for that.

You are right, there are some incredibly over s*xed women out there, talk to a few of my over 40 friends and they'll tell you quite simply, those urges are heightened in your 40s. But alas, we are not talking about women. We are talking about men. That was the conversation to which I offered my perception.

If we were to marry our discussions around every contradictory factor that there is, this discussion would never cease; even though I love talking about relationships. However, the focus was men. And like you said, you are entitled to your perceptions and your opinions. And perceptions are real.

I wont get into religious jeopardy with anyone, because in my career there are three things I've learned never to discuss unless you're willing to take it all the way there - s*x, politics and religion, and I've already broken one of those rules - oh well.

Let me just say this as a teachable moment, please be aware that just because something is done so casually in one environment don't assume it will be taken that way across the board. I've been guilty of that myself, and I learned the hard way, so this is no offense to you, but I would be less than who I am if I didn't take the time to rely that bit of life knowledge.

Again, we all have something to learn from each other; I don't care who you are, I know I have something to learn. I live my life learning. I make it my business to wake up everyday and learn something new. And today I learned that I am indeed, in some circles, an 'old head' - lol...

This has been very engaging...Thank you for the blog; can't wait to read more.
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 12:30PM
Tashana Sims Hudspeth

Awesome! I have another blog that I will post, which Im sure will garner more comments. LOL In this blog I talk about how I went waaaaaay overboard trying to get the attention of a guy I liked. I have the blog over on Blogger, but I copy and post here as well to get more viewership.

I agree that its tough to read "emotions" but you clearly stated you were offended or almost offended here: "It really isn't about being jaded, and it pains me to hear that your conversations border on the offensive, as opposed to digesting this as some healthy dialogue. Let's be women about this, and dismiss the name calling so that we can all be heard - because truth be told - we have a lot to learn from young women and they have a world to learn from us."

That is why I apologized for offending you. But its good to know that you were not, because I admit that I am not the most tactful speaker (writer). However, I am an honest one. I put myself out there and everything I blog about is true, so I give myself kudos for even opening myself up to the world this way. Even Jen made the statement about how I chase men. That was a harsh assessment, that would make it seem like I was, well, a man chaser, which has negative connotations. Im not a man chaser, but I am open to pursuing if that's what I feel is going to get me the results I want.

An-T-way, thank you so much for the debate. It was super exciting. I look forward to more comments on my posts. Im going to post another one today.

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 1:18PM
Shaahn Williams
Hello Everyone! I'm Sheba. I've been a member since 2008, but just jumped back on again. I have been reading this thread about dating and wow, I really am surprised at the opinions that some have about men! No doubt I have run into some bad apples, but not ALL men are after s*x with a woman I have males friends who are not gay, who just appreciate having a good female friend.
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 1:38PM
ulisheba mitchell
@ Shaahn,

Female what?.. Friend??? Puhleeze... as far I'm concerned he's got the best friend in me that who could ever have. Have you been a breast of the news headlines ... Herman Cain, Tiger Woods, Ashton Kutcher, hello... While I can't keep my husband from looking at other women... He dare not try having a female friend. That's how I roll and he knows this. Female what?... Friend??? Puhleeze....

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 1:40PM
Jen Fad
.....Bishop Eddie Long, the late Pastor Zachary Tims, Benny Hinn, Newt Gingrich, former President William (Bill) Jeferson Clinton, Representative Anthony Weiner (the Weinergate Scandal), etc...
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 1:44PM
Jen Fad
....The list goes on and on honey and I'm sure the women (wives) trusted their husbands ok. Friend?? What? Puhleeze. We have mutual married FRIENDS that we both know. That's how we do ; when you get married if you do get married come back and holla at me about how that FRIEND THANG is going in your r/ship.

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 1:52PM
Jen Fad

DANNGGGGG!!! LOL you keep the leash tight huh? Imma call you Jackie Christie! LOL
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 1:53PM
Shaahn Williams
@ Tashana,

Girl you know I can't do nothing but respect your preference for what you like. You do you!

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 1:55PM
Jen Fad

I was considering marrying a man who had a female friend that he had known waaaay longer than I had, and I couldnt ask him to no longer be her friend simply because I entered the picture. You know? And I would not stop being friends with a man I knew before I got married. I mean, a good friend is hard to find. And I dont think you shouldnt let a true friend go because of your S/Os insecurities.
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 1:56PM
Shaahn Williams
@ Ulisheba,

Although I don't necessarily believe men want s*x from every woman they see; however, there are women who naturally have s*x appeal. I tried that "just freinds" and it rarely worked for me when I was single. When I was single, as soon as I smiled at a guy... he automatically thought he could be something more. I've only had one male friend and when he got married; his wife put a END to that friendship! Hello. I understood her although there wasn't a thing going on with us. They both came to my wedding when I got married and gave a nice wedding gift, too.

Look it may work for some people (women) ...I just don't go there becasue I got too, much s*x appeal. ((Lol))

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 2:05PM
Jen Fad
@ Shaahn,

I hear ya, but I respect marriage so if a spouse doesn't want me around, I'd rather keep it moving rather than being the cause of tension ... I loved my friend enough to understand his wife's point of view.. especially since we were very much alike. You are an unsual Black woman, because every Black woman I know or have known don't play with that friend thang.

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 2:10PM
Jen Fad
@Jen Of course Messiah was a man in every sense of the word, yet without sin. Read Hebrews 4:15: For we have not a high priest which cannot be 'touched' (be affected with the same feeling as another) with the feeling of our infirmities (weakness and frailty, trials and tribulations, feebleness of health or sickness, corrupt desires); but he was in ALL points tempted like as we are tempted, yet without sin. In Genesis, the scriptures say that the Creator looked at man, after he made him and said "He was good". Any barbaric tendencies that men or women, for that matter, acquired is not intrinsic in his creation, but ia a matter of learned behavior.
Anything that can be learned, can be unlearned, corrected and relearned. The scriptures declares if any man be in Messiyah, he is a new creature. Old things are passed away, behold (or recognize or acknowledge) all things are become new (2 Cor 5:17). Since I know men who have surrendered their lives to Messiyah, I know that even if they were barbaric in their behavior at one time in their life, they are no longer, because they have become new. This certainly is conflict with your categorizing all men as wanting only one thing from women. Furthermore, I would argue that there are honorable, loving, kind, trustworthy men, who think of women beyond being s*xual objects based on my life experiences. I submit that we are a sum of our life experiences and our perceptions and perspectives are filtered through those experiences. Consequently, your perception or reality may differ greatly from mine.

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 2:11PM
ulisheba mitchell
@ Jen Okay, but what do Ashton Kutcher, Tiger Woods or Herman Cain have to do with you? Why are you adding them into your personal life equation? And as far as you restricting your husband from having female friends, has it ever occurred to you that it is not your threat that keeps him from straying, but the mere fact that he loves you? Is that at all in the realm of possibility?
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 2:16PM
ulisheba mitchell
@ Ulisheba,

Are you serious? The flesh has not passed away and until we are raptured away and get IMMORTAL bodied... we have to deal with temptations. By the way, s*x Scandals run rampant in the BODY OF CHRIST... ok... A man is human... the flesh is a mess and one has to "die to it daily". Sometimes several times a day... some win the battle and some are casualties of war. Jesus survived because HE lived a life of FASTING & PRAYER. Some of our Christian brothers and sister might do well to try this.

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 2:19PM
Jen Fad

I do think that you should fall back out of respect, if your friend got into a relationship. I just dont think the friendship should end. That's all. In my experience, Ive ended friendships because my bf at the time was insecure. And guess what? Im no longer with that guy, yet, Im also no longer friends with my old friend. That hurt. Im like this, "bros before hoes" or whatever the female equivalent would be. LOL I think a true friend becomes family, and Im not cutting blood ties because my new man dont like the fact that I have a male friend. But the dynamics would certainly change. thats natural. I hope you understand what Im saying.
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 2:30PM
Shaahn Williams
@ Ulisheba,
...has it ever occurred to you that it is not your threat that keeps him from straying, ...

You're right... my husband does love me as I do love him; he's told me that he doesn't have interest in anyone else and I'm sure he means that with all his heart; however, he understands that in order to love me he has to know what DISPLEASES me. He has no FEMALE FRIENDS (that I know of). ((Lol))

...@ Jen Okay, but what do Ashton Kutcher, Tiger Woods or Herman Cain have to do with you?...
Ashton and all those people really have nothing to do with me or my r/ship. I just used them as examples to buttress the point I was making about men and s*x. Hey, I didn't named not just celebs like Ashton, but I also named some men of God... because I wanted to give a healthy balance to show that it men are made the same... no matter how much God or how Godless they appear... We know that men were created to be attracted to what they see before they ever talk to the woman to know her intellect or how wonderful she is.

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 2:33PM
Jen Fad
@ Shaahn,

I do understand what you're saying... I'm sure that if I were to see Carlos today.. it would be like old times (sort of). ((Lol)) Every r/ship has boundaries and I familarize myself with those boundaries in order to keep it movin'.

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 2:39PM
Jen Fad
@ Jen Yes, I am serious. The body of believers is not perfect and we do have to pray and fast and place our flesh under subjection. However, when you place ALL men in one category and declare that they will always be that way, no matter what, you deny the power of the Almighty to effect change in their hearts, souls and bodies. You say that the Word is of no effect. Whatever scandals run rampant among believers, it does not change the power and ability of the Creator to change the hearts of human beings. The Word says in Mark 11:24 that you will have what you say! Why not say that there are men who are righteous in their view of women? Why not say that the Almighty's power is not limited to our life experiences? Why not say that He is able to make them new creations in Him and is able to keep those whose hearts and minds are stayed on him? I'm happy that you have a husband that loves and respects you and that wants to make you happy! You mentioned that you are too s*xY...must be working, right? You're husband's eyes have only been for you!
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 2:45PM
ulisheba mitchell
Hey I'm sorry you had to give up you friend for your man... I'm usre if you called him up... he'd forgive you because that's what freinds do... Also I wanted to mention that an authentic friend would understand that one has to do a fine balancing act between our S.O. and our freinds. Shucks.. men don't hardly want their woman to hang out with her girls let lone male friends... It's not easy, but as long as the boundaries are laid down from the get go... then there shouldn't be much of a problem.

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 2:50PM
Jen Fad
@ Ulisheba,

Please let me clarify what I mean... I don't believe all men want to sleep with every woman they see because I don't believe in "ALL or NEVER" senarios; what I was saying is that men are wired by God to respond in a certain way as are women wired by God to respond in a certain way...

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 3:02PM
Jen Fad
... besides I'm not religious, I'm practical and understand that people have to learn balance rather than thinking that believing that God gives quick fixes just because we come to Him. That's just me...

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 3:05PM
Jen Fad
@ Jen
My belief is that men are natural pursuers. However, there is no women that has been caught that didn't slow down, just a little, lol! Women are pursuers as well. Our methodologies may differ, but when we get our eyes on someone, we make our 'presence' known. We may wear a higher heel or a prettier dress or a new outfit that we know we rock, but we pursue. You know it! That's why hubby is where he is, :) And there is nothing wrong with that! The fact that he pursued you and you 'allowed' him to catch you is what brought you together. The fact that he loves and cherishes you, is what keeps you together. So you do you, Sister Jen! Peace and happiness to you always!
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 3:17PM
ulisheba mitchell
I say Shaahn, let the lord guide your feet. You seem pretty level headed, and rather intelligent. Having a good sense of respect. Respect yourself to know. That only God has your best intentions at heart. Relationships are funny especially when they are played. Try being more serious, and watch the right one come; with TRUE LOVE@HEART!!!(It's not about being cute or fine; but who's TRUE & FAITHFUL) GOD BLESS U!!!
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 4:01PM
Finally another brother comments :)
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 4:24PM
Will Moss
...speaking of my husband that is... One has to really be careful because the men in the Church play just as many games if not more than the men on the street. So I couldn't take that because he was a church going man... that he was on the "up and up". Thanks for your sweet comments to me. Take care.

Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 5:20PM
Jen Fad
WOW!!! This is a heated discussion. I will speak in respects as being a man first & a minister lastly. No matter who the man is. No matter how he has been created. Ultimately his actions are based, upon his choices & decisions. People are people, we all have a choice to do as we will. If he chooses, & decides to be your friend that's possible. Although it's rather challenging & risk taking. If he chooses to sleep with you; that to is possible. Men are ppl as women are. We all hve similiar desires. It's the individual that's mkes the difference... Now, for the spiritual food. That which is born of the flesh is flesh. That which is born of the spirit is spirit. "The flesh is a mess & the spirit is blessed." A man that is born of the spirit is spiritual minded; but his flesh is still sinful. That's why it matters not whether married or single. His fleshly nature will rise. Once again it goes bck to the individual. The bible says that jesus was "tempted in all points, yet without sin."(sounds like a man to me)lol. To say that all men are the same. Would take away their freewill. Subsequently, eliminating their rights to mke choices & decisions. Bottom line, walk in the spirit; where u want fulfil the lust of the flesh...THANK-U, for allowing me the opportunity to comment!!!
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 5:22PM
I forgot to say,"Will u got your wish."LOL
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 5:26PM
I agree with KNEEDS
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 5:34PM
Shaahn Williams
Thanks, I believe it's the TRUTH. THE TRUTH, put into proper perspective brings knowledge. Knowledge, leads to understand. Oh well, u knw the rest...lol...In all your getting, get an understanding...& I believe that's all you're looking to do Shaahn...Be Encourage in your journey. I would suggest the reading of proverbs...Solomon had great wisdom in this matter!!!
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 5:44PM
Thank you so much.
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 5:46PM
Shaahn Williams
This is good.

@ Shaahn, I applaud you for putting yourself out there. It's very difficult to do especially when you're not sure of the response.

This conversation sparked an interesting debate between me (and catch this) my male best friend. We've been friends for over 10 years. To make a long story short, his soon to be ex wife did not like me, so I stayed away. We talked every now and again, and had lunch, but I never intruded. I respect marriage, and I understand fully what Jen is saying.

My husband can not have female friends (work associates, etc. excluded), friends, without me knowing who she is. That's not a tight leash, that's just respect. And, I wouldn't have any male friends that he didn't know about. So, it's reciprocal. Jen mentioned having balance, and Shaahn you mentioned something about Jackie Christie (whom I think is ridiculously rigid - but hey to each his own) - I say this, relationships are HARD WORK. That is the bottom line.

Don't ever say what you will or wont do in a committed relationship because until you've walked a mile in that individual's shoes, you can not pass judgment.

Case in point the women that stay with their cheating spouses (Hermain Caine's wife, Hillary Clinton, etc. etc.), I get it. I understand why they stay. I don't look at them and think you stupid this or ignorant that. I don't believe that they suffer from ill self esteem, or have any abject qualities that force them to remain in the throws of public embarrassment). I get it.

You stay because at the end of the day, s*x is s*x, and a relationship is so much more. That is where my comments about most men being physical first, stems.

My guy friend and I were talking, and now that we are both 'almost' single, I asked him if he'd ever sleep with me. And his response was interesting. He said, it would just be weird, because we've been friends for so long, but under the right circumstances, he wouldn't dismiss it. He is older, and I do agree that MATURE men, don't always put s*x before the horse lol...(did I just date myself with that analogy - whewww)...

Again, my perceptions are empirical generalizations at best. I don't know everything, or everyone, so it's foolish of me, or anyone else to believe that they have the lock and key on the male / female psyche - only the creator knows.

And Minister, thank you for that Word, "In all your getting get understanding". I breathe that scripture, and like I said to Shaahn, I am always learning.

Lastly, Shaahn, you mentioned you were not tactful but honest; and I have to tell you, I take honesty over tact any day - so carry on.
Tuesday, December 6th 2011 at 8:33PM
Tashana Sims Hudspeth
@ Kneeds,

I appreciate the comments that validate that men are indeed human beings who have flesh... regardless to whether being Godfilled or Godless... that was my point to Ulisheba... quote as many scriptures as one might like but when faced with s*xual temptation...Joseph the Dreamer fled the scene on Potipher's wife. The Apostle Paul warned young Timothy to flee youthful lusts. ... so it don't matter what one's religious affliation is... Muslim , Christian, Hindu, Seilk, etc... Get out of Dodge!!

@ Tashana,

Boundaries are very important in a marriage or any r/ship; I'm glad you respected your friend's relationship, but think of poor Princess Diana and that Camilla Parker Boyles. Girl some friendships don't need to be!! Honestly, we have to rely on that 6th sense we've been given to protect what we value most. Many times women can smell a rat a mile away long before we see any signs of “rat droppings".

On a side note... Vanessa Long knew Eddie was up to something being that she has something better (the Holy Ghost) than the 6th sense; Mrs. Cain knew Herman was up to something, too! Nothing really catches a woman totally by surprise in my opinion. I'm just saying... like we know when our children are up to something... we know when our men are up to something, too! ((Lol))

Where women mess up in needing a confession... look he will not or may not confess for fear of hurting us until he actually gets caught. Ladies need to just go with that “gut instinct” we’ve been given to protect us....

or hire a private investigator like Juanita Jordon (Michael Jordon's ex-wife) did~ ((Lol))

P.S Although I admit r/ships aren't easy, it doesn't have to be extremely difficult either if everyone knew their part and place. I think the Baby boomers 's way of courting and marrying was extremely easy; however, when young gen X myself included) as well as gen Y came on the scene… things got really complicated for everyone!!! Even in my workplace, the boomers and the generations (X&Y) are always at odds.

Wednesday, December 7th 2011 at 11:23AM
Jen Fad
Ur welcome, ladies. I believe in TRUTH! B-ENCOURAGE!!!
Sunday, December 11th 2011 at 12:48AM
@ Kneeds,

[I believe in TRUTH!]

I wanted to solicit your expericence regarding single Christian women pursuing the men in the church rather than letting nature take its course. I realize that you may or may not be experiencing this challenge personally; what are your likes or dislikes regarding this?

Sunday, December 11th 2011 at 12:09PM
Jen Fad
The bible says"When a man finds a wife; he has found a good thing." I believe that he should find you. While waiting on her mate. The Woman Of God, should consider prayer & fasting. This will cause GOD to work on her behalf; as well as prepare her for her husband. I believe that's the way God has set it up. He's the pursuer. It's his jpurney! (That's my take on the matter. Hopefully, it suffices you)!! Be Encourage, Jen!!!
Tuesday, December 13th 2011 at 1:59AM
P.S., I believe the woman who takes heed to these instructions. Will not only be blessed in her marriage. She will also bring a blessing to her marriage.(For the word of GOD says'"A virtuous woman, who can find. prov.31ch)...
Tuesday, December 13th 2011 at 2:07AM
Minister Kneeds you are so correct. I reread the book of Ruth and the Lord reminded me of Ruth's dedication to her mother-in-law, and how Ruth had faith in the Lord, and dedication for her deceased husband. Ruth was obedient and patient, and it paid off in the end.

I think as women we spend way to much time putting undue pressure on men to perform in ways that we need them to, or ways we feel like they should be performing. Instead of accepting them for who they are and working within those confines.

I'm of the mindset that men do not change because 'we' / women want them to; they change because they want to be better for us, for themselves, and their families., etc. If I had to psychoanalyze the situation I'd say that the unwillingness of men to change on a dime, is a man's way of maintaining his God given sense of control that is often dismissed by a woman's strong will, which is also at odds with her desire to 'be' controlled >>...But hopefully you get my point.

We (men and women) are constantly fighting against our very nature which is why we struggle in life and in relationships. As women we are often forced to be self sufficient to the point where some women believe they don't 'need' a man. I, fortunately, am not one of those women.

I know I need a man. And not just any man, but God's man. Because who else is going to take out the garbage, kill that spider, and cut the grass ...

My truth!
Tuesday, December 13th 2011 at 10:35AM
Tashana Sims Hudspeth
@ Kneeds,

Thanks for the beautiful scriptures you referenced as well as holding true to truth of how you do things. We've been given many tools to use as women when it comes to attracting the opposite s*x, but as Christian women we have to remember to choose the right spiritual weapon. Fasting is so very vital to leading a spirit led life and getting solutions to personal challenges, but many Christians neglect to see the importance due to gluttony. When I fasted for a husband, I received clarity and happened upon Psalm 65:4 Blessed is the man whom thou choosest, and causest to approach unto thee, that he may dwell in thy courts: we shall be satisfied with the goodness of thy house, even of thy holy temple. )

Within 3- 6 months God had caused several suitors to cross my path for me to choose from. God is truly a wonderful Father!

Tuesday, December 13th 2011 at 11:20AM
Jen Fad
@ Tashana,

[...I'm of the mindset that men do not change because 'we' / women want them to; they change because they want to be better for us, for themselves, and their families., etc. If I had to psychoanalyze the situation I'd say that the unwillingness of men to change on a dime, is a man's way of maintaining his God given sense of control ...]

So true!

Tuesday, December 13th 2011 at 11:26AM
Jen Fad
I learned a long time ago that there is nothing that a woman can do enough of to get a man to do what she wants him to do; not even s*x him to death. When we are able to yield our magical powers of prowess and seduction - lol - any effects are momentary at best.

I used to believe that if I loved him enough, or if I was loyal enough, or if I gave him enough of what he wanted, then - maybe then - he'd love me, marry me, and make me the mother of all his chillins - lol....NOT.

It just doesn't work that way. And honestly, should it? I'm not at all attracted to men that allow me to over power them - even though that's not my intention.

I need a man with some backbone and with the confidence to put me in my place sometimes - because hey, I know I can get out of line. Me and mouth have been together for a long time, and sometimes we say and do things that require male intervention - lol.

That's why I love my guy. He doesn't back down when my mouth gets going. He reminds me of his position, and I quickly understand mine. And yes, I do believe that men and women have their place in a relationship. When there is no order, chaos quickly ensues - same goes for relationships.
Tuesday, December 13th 2011 at 11:59AM
Tashana Sims Hudspeth

I've been gone a couple days and look what i come back to. At KNEEDS, Ummm I must disagree with your assessment of the scripture as far as a woman waiting for a man. I think that is why the black church is woman-heavy. They are all waiting for a man, or dating the pastor in their heads. LOL
I don't think that a woman should simply fast and pray for a man. I dont think anyone should sit and wait for their god to do anything. Faith without works is DEAD> that goes for any situation. Now if you are told to be still, that is one thing, but even science tells us that all action has an equal and opposite reaction. You have to put forth effort. Its erroneous to tell people to sit and wait for a mate. Really? I choose you, pokemon! LOL Naw, Im not gonna sit in the pokeball and wait to be summoned. Im going to be proactive (if i were seeking a mate) by keeping my mind, body and spirit right, Im going to be confident, have an active social life and take care of myself. I also remember (from my days in the temple) that the word says, seek first the kingdom and his righteousness and everything will be added, so I dont have to sit and wait for a man to choose me. He will come along and all I have to do is be spiritually open enough to recognize him when he crosses my path. And besides, my potential man might be shy, so I may have to make the first move anyway! LOL

Yall are funny. This reminds me of the kid who buried his talent thinking it would multiply underground. Hahahahaa You got to put in work. and not just praying.

Wednesday, December 14th 2011 at 12:16AM
Shaahn Williams
Well, first off I'm grateful for the different comments; that have been made. Some observations rather interesting. I must say. I would say, Shaahn I pray that in time, and with the help of God. You would see the WISDOM in what I am saying. Prayer is work. It never sits, it gets around pretty good(lol). Prayer, is one of the greatest things. You can do in this type of a situation. Marriage is spirtual first, then natural. The bible says, that it was instituted by God. Check the book of Genesis-for reference. Male and female. It's is impossible to separate God from his principles. When he says, it's for the man to find you. That's what he meant. Take for ex., scripture denotes that woman came from man. When you put yourself out there to be found of him. You're subject to great danger. There's no, I MEAN NO, woman in the bible. That I can say ever placed herself; in that position. The HOLY women of old, were at the market, in the field, at the well, etc. They were just going along with everyday business. Then, at that instant. God brings the man along. He sees her, inquires of her status(married, single, divorce, etc.) If, the coast is clear we have a marriage. God still does things this way. So, when I say wait. I mean in FAITH! Trust me, you'll have enough work to do. Before he comes!!!LOL
Wednesday, December 14th 2011 at 3:03AM
Shaahn, I would say. I admire your ambition, and confidence. You seem to have a go-getter attitude. Keep it, for you'll need it. When you're shuffling the deck, for the right one. For even history tells us. That it's the man that proposes to his wife. You're wondering why he's not answering. Maybe, he's trying to decide, and need some space. To make HIS decision. Take it from me. NO man, wants a woman to decide for him. He'll choose the decision HIMSELF! May God forever, Bless you!!! M.I.N.I.S.T.E.R K.N.E.E.D.S.
Wednesday, December 14th 2011 at 3:29AM
@ Tashana,

[...I used to believe that if I loved him enough, or if I was loyal enough, or if I gave him enough of what he wanted, then - maybe then - he'd love me, marry me, and make me the mother of all his chillins - lol....NOT. It just doesn't work that way. And honestly, should it? ...]

Nope, but we can learm to speak one another's love language...
Learning Your Spouse's Love Language.


@ Shaahn,

[... I don't think that a woman should simply fast and pray for a man. ...]

What makes you think I was sitting around fasting and praying all day as if I didn't work, go to movies, and things like that? That's where you missed the boat. Every major religion fasts... so until you try it don't knock it. It beats running around chasing after men and it got me several suitors and in the end a marriage proposal with the end product with me becoming a wife. That's exactly what I was praying and fasting for... a husband.

@ Kneeds,

...Prayer is work...

Yes it is!! And it's proactive work because prayer requires faith; We have to fight the good fight of faith! It's challenging when praying because we have to believe that God is going to answer us although we haven't actually seen any evidence or the end result.

Saturday, December 17th 2011 at 6:07PM
Jen Fad
Saturday, December 17th 2011 at 7:49PM
New Post! You can read more at http:shesdatingagain.blogspot.com
Sunday, December 18th 2011 at 11:28PM
Shaahn Williams
Whoa, whoa whoa, Jen, what makes you think Ive never fasted? LOL In fact I was once married to a minister. I used to fast, but not for a husband. My ex and I knew we were supposed to be married. He prayed and was told it was me. I already knew it was me, but I didnt say anything about it. LOL I was the one who prayed and got instructions, and I mean down to the letter instructions. I would usually relay to him the word I got.

But anyway, when I was do a lot of fasting it was to strengthen my faith in my anointing to lay hands. Yah blessed me with that gift and many people were healed through me (as the tool).

Trust me, I know what prayer and fasting is. What I was pointing out was the way KNEEDS put it as though that was all you do: Pray and wait on a man. I thought it was funny.
Sunday, December 18th 2011 at 11:32PM
Shaahn Williams

I hear you, but you make it sound as though a guy goes to market and picks out a woman, and then BAM they're married. Actually the man had to ask the woman's father, sometimes he got that girl, sometimes he didnt. (Ie leah and jacob) These days though, women have free will, and our parents nor the man are the sole deciders of our fate. These days, we have a say.
Sunday, December 18th 2011 at 11:35PM
Shaahn Williams
Oh, and to everyone, Trust me. I know that prayer is work. I used to pray for very LONG periods of time, everyday in my private prayer closet, (which was sometimes literally a closet) but especially when I didnt know what to do about a particular situation. I would pray until I got a word, and sometimes that took hours. Anyway, I would write down the word I got and follow those instructions. They always worked. So I aint taking anything away from the power of prayer and fasting. K? okay.
Sunday, December 18th 2011 at 11:38PM
Shaahn Williams
Sunday, December 18th 2011 at 11:40PM
Shaahn Williams

I can appreciate what you have stated not that I have gotten clarification from you. Thanks for that! I'm waiting for the new blog!

Sunday, December 18th 2011 at 11:51PM
Jen Fad
Its up Jen! It was great reminiscing as I wrote it too. Enjoy
Monday, December 19th 2011 at 12:02AM
Shaahn Williams
I know u believe, SHAAHN!!! YOU have a strong spirit!!!
Wednesday, December 21st 2011 at 2:39AM
New Post Everyone: http://shesdatingagain.blogspot.com/

Please follow, comment and rate the posts! Thanks

Monday, January 2nd 2012 at 6:52PM
Shaahn Williams
It's here! It's here! Chapter One of my Sugarbaby Diaries book is now available on Kindle for $2.99. Check it out! http://www.amazon.com/dp/B006XHF838
Saturday, January 14th 2012 at 10:33PM
Shaahn Williams
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