Should we arrange marriages for our children? (1946 hits)
Thinking about it, with so many black men marrying outside of the community, and so many black women living lives where they have to share men (who sometimes have multiple children) with other women, or just remain single for the rest of their lives, do you think arranging marriages for our children at a very young age ensure a future and family for black people in America?
Would this establish a sense of responsibility in young men and women setting them on the path of maturity?
Helluva post, young lady. Never thought of it but, I would say it probably could do as your last sentence questioned. And, knowing what I know about relationships, one could learn to love the one he's with. If we want to change our culture we must change our traditions. As long as the two prepared themselves all along. The female should be prepared to keep herself attractive and not get all lard-ass; and the male should educate himself well [well, they both should], embrace class and prepare himself to be a husband.
Sunday, May 9th 2010 at 3:56PM
Craig Amos
Unquestionablely, a father can pick out a better husband for his daughter then what is occuring today in society. Arrangement in marriages has its positives. Parents should embrace common sense values like right/wrong and education and sanctity of life. Other than that, I think it would be a good thing. And Ms. Private, it takes courage for you to speak about it.
Sunday, May 9th 2010 at 4:48PM
jamal Abraham
Well personally... If I had a daughter... I believe she would have a good head on her shoulder, and would chose the man that's best for her.
Sunday, May 9th 2010 at 6:09PM
Cynthia Merrill Artis
E Private, I think you made a valid statement with regards to the availability of black men: the pool of available potential husbands to choose from does not exist.
Certainly the decline of black men is evident... Then the question remains what are your options... Dating outside of your race or dealing with "the playas playas"... I for one am open to interacial dating.. however I have not .... Africa and other Middle Eastern Countries have embraced the tradition of chosing one's mate. Because of this tradition, these are relatively committed arrangements.
WOW!! Black women have always been desired by men of all races... That's shocking to find out during your poll that black women are not on the list you say? Black women are beautiful.... The most beautiful women on the planet. The most important beauty of a woman is how she see's herself and her self worth. Beauty on the outside or what men call attractive is so superficial in my opinion.... If a man only wants to see the outside and not the beauty inside... is not worth having.
If you feel good about yourself and you are happy with yourself, then having a man around isn't important. Companionship is great to have... But for women today... Having a man doesn't validate you... doesn't make you anything less.
You have children, so what you should really be focusing on and trying to pass on are the lessons life have to offer for them. BE the best YOU that you can be... And trust me when you least expect it and you think all hope is gone... He will come... We were not placed on this earth to be alone. So don't be discouraged about what's not in your life right now... GOD moves in HIS time....
Sunday, May 9th 2010 at 10:49PM
Cynthia Merrill Artis
oh... one more thing... I am a single (divorced) woman.... 46, two kids, I work full time and I am in school full time. I have dated and personally relationships are not as easy as it was ... back then.... I have potential mates, but to be honest, I have so much more going for me as a single woman.. and I have a better sense of direction for my life and what I want to achieve. I couldn't have done all of these things being a wife, mother, maid.....etc.... NOW I can DO ME and I love it. Also Im comfortable with the fact that I am a good woman and I am willing to wait until that good man (who is going to love and respect me) to come along.
Sunday, May 9th 2010 at 10:57PM
Cynthia Merrill Artis
E --I think this is a great preception> in the cases for having a better chance of marriages lasting and avoiding situations of "shacking" where any future of marrying is put on hold. Teaching responsiblity, arranging the ideals of marriage in young children, or young men I feel is a good thing. Setting up with families or communities of other adults with children may or; may not allow the solution though for instilling responsibility altogether. I'm not against teaching young men responsibility, but I don't put the two together as marraige giving them the laws of lesson of being responsible. Marriage is a big responsibility that's true and there are of course, lessons that marriages teaches young couples to experience. Responsiblity, the way I was taught is taking care of needs, using techiques that serve purpose for yourself, family and also others. Taking responsibilty lessons that your own actions and any consequences of choices you make may have a cost good or bad rewards. This I feel should be reared at home, but I know it isn't always so. Since so many young men are not taught responisbility of themselves or others, I don't think that arranged marriages would aid them to be more responsible. I can't quite make the connection that it would help if such marriages happened. I think if you teach your children how to be responsible, they will make good choices even if they were to be a product of a bad marriage. The main thing they'll know is that experience is the best teacher --if they take notes from that, they'll learn responsiblity in life and know how to reconize the risky from the safe. This is a great discussion piece, which can air out how responsiblities can be taught to young people today. I'm sure you'll find many opinions to be voiced. Great blog!
@ E Private I wouldn't arrange marriage for my children because I don't believe it works in Western society. I would much rather live as an example of what kind of woman or qualities to look for in a woman. I don't care what ethnic group he marries into just as long as the woman loves him and works with him to have a happy marriage and family.
Monday, May 10th 2010 at 10:48AM
Jen Fad
This is very interesting... I never thought of the idea of pre-arranged marriages... Everyone has made some thought provoking comments... I am still a bit bewildered that Black Women are stereotyped as Freaks ....Outspoken and Demanding... I can accept... Look at the evolution Black Women had to go through....
As I think Irma stated, Pre-Arranged marriages has it's good and bad. Miisrael stated that our children should be taught how to become responsible and have the wisdom to appreciate "people" may help with the psychological overview of responsibility, marriage, commitment and relationships.
As I've matured.. I have learned the significance of a Woman's Worth. And having two sons... 23 and 10... I AM their Role Model... I am who they see on a daily basis. I have to not only teach them the way... I have to live the same way... "We mimmick what we see" Having respect for the Black Male and Black Female and the family unit is the one thing that's most essential for our people to recognize and develop. I have met Pacific Islanders, Haitians, Trinidains, Jamacians and other Carribeans, Ghanan's and yes Indians.... Crossing over racially is not just specific of White Americans... Great Blog!!
Monday, May 10th 2010 at 11:11AM
Cynthia Merrill Artis
@ Cynthia It works and is still working in many societies where this prearranged marriage is the norm or the society, but as Western / Democracy spreads throughout other nations, the younger generations coming up want no parts of it & rightfully so. Marriage should be a choice and not forced upon anyone for status or socioeconomic gain.
Monday, May 10th 2010 at 11:23AM
Jen Fad
I have a vietnamese friend, her marriage was pre-arranged. Her husband was 15 years older than she. I worked with this African male, whom also had to follow the tradition of marrying within his family tribe. He married his cousin. Of course I was stunned a bit... But that's their culture, they are most comfortable with....
I agree marriage shouldn't be forced on anyone.
I was telling Ms. E, that when I say cross over inter-racially, there are other races of color thats available... Not necessarily the White race... We as black women do not have to subject ourselves, our bodies nor our self dignity to "NO" man that has no respect for a woman.
Monday, May 10th 2010 at 12:32PM
Cynthia Merrill Artis
I have never been married, however engaged once. I don't believe that it is necessary for the parents to decide who should marry their child, that should be up to them as an individual to decide. However, marriage should be an act that is done out of unconditional love. not because he/she signed a sports/recording contract!
My sister, the only way this can work for you is to make sure that black women demand that black men learn to respect black women and their families. Black women will also have to re-learn that do not have babies out of wedlock-it has to be a joint venue with an ideal that you are making sure you and he understand that if we do not do this, we are dooming us. Make sure that the one you choose has character, is from a home where there is a strong black male, is educated, respects you fully and understands that this black male is grounded in what truly is important-education, respect and friendship!!! You will notice I omitted love. That comes with time.
You will notice that I place the onus upon the black female because She has to make the choice, She has to agree with the marriage, She must decide what will happen. She has to decide if this is the correct choice, She is the one that has to decide that marriage does not make good unions-good people have to make the union good.The husband and wife have to be VERY close friends as well. THIS HAS ALWAYS WORKED FOR ANY COUPLE THAT HAS THOUGHT ABOUT BEING TOGETHER FOR LIFE!!!
BTW, This quote is from the former leader of the NOI, Detroit Red (aka Brother Malcolm)!!!
@ Hanna If people can grow apart after being married that amount of time then they can grow back together again by reconnecting. Love is more of a conscious decision. God forbid it, but if my husband and I were to 'grow apart' then I would just stay in the same house but in a different room and knock on his door when I needed to do the business. Ha!
E why would you say that Black families are beyond repair? So if you had to arrange a marriage for your chiIdren what race/ethnic group would you link them with.. black, white, asian, african, jamaican, south american, mexican, etc...?
Would we do the prearranging based on family/friends recommendations? How would it work?
Tuesday, May 18th 2010 at 4:25PM
Jen Fad
Lets see "MARRIAGE" is going to stop the killings...no, Arranged marriages, because we are only Black women and we can not be able to pick a 'decent man'? We can not have it both ways...or does only sons of Black females do all of the killings...All out side of Chicago are safe...
i CAN HEAR IT NOW...jUDGE i KILLED NOT BECAUSE THEY WERE BULLYING ME AT SCHOOL, BUT BECAUSE MY MOTHER DID NOT HAVE AND ARRANGES MARRIAGE?!? pLEASE...I AM NOT A TERRORIST, MY MOTHER IS A SINGLE WOMAN...LET ALL NON BLACKS OF SINGLE MOTHERS OUT OF PRISON BECAUSE THEY ARE INNOCENT...your rational, not mines. loooooooooooooooooooool (smile)
Lets see, my mother and father were never married...you say you raised your children as a single mom...Cynthia is a single mom...SO WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE ACCORDING TO YOUR OWN REASONING ON THIS BLOG OR ARE WE WHAT THE POwERS THAT BE CALL " exceptional blacks?!?
No : accute drug addict, murders, ex cons, cons, well educated, kind, ratioNAL, HONEST, not sharing men, NONVIOLENT, ect.....I REPEAT OR ARE WE EVEN MEMBERS OF THE BLACK RACE?!? (SMILE)
good night & Good by as I am sure I have worn out my welcome...
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA
Hey Clark, how would being 'friends' help in a marriage?!? It is so seldom that the word friend comes into the same sentEnce as marriage...love is fine, but you can love someone and still not like them...but, the best I have heard lately that out & OUT does LOVE as an excuse for accepting Adultry in ones life / marriage...
today it is called s*x ADDICTION...BUT THEN WE WOULD HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT MARRIAGE IS THE SAME "WORTH" PIECE OF ' LEGAL' PAPER THE DIVORCE IS IN SOCIAL ACCEPTANCENOW WOULD WE NOT...OH,WELL, AGAIN THERE IS MY BIAS AS i DO NOT MAKE OTHERS HAPPY AT MY OWN EXPENSE.
AND, i SURE WILL NEVER ACCEPT THAT IF THERE WERE NO bLACK SINGLE MOTHERS THERE WOULD BE NO BAD IN THE WORLD. LOOOOOOOOOOOL (SMILE)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA
A lot of people from India live in my area...
ANY WAY, THESE KINDS OF MARRAGES OFTEN CARRY WITH THEM THE PENDALTY OF D-E-A-T-H to ANY AND TO all who violate this no matter the: skin color, race, religion, social status, ect...It is nothing to pick u p our local paper and see someone has been killed for talking to a woman who has been promised a little too much or too friendly as judged by family members at work or at play or at school, ect...or the female who is a little to friendly is killed...most are proven to be misunderstandings, but, dead and injured is a fact! This is true and it does come with this CULTURE...
again how can you E even have in your mind a choice of what you want in your own life in the first place if you are in agreement with this...you are a female and have you even known the female to have the say in these cultures?!? (smile)
ONLY THE FEMALE get GO ON THESE KINDS OF MEAT MARKETS...or should I say are SOLD in this time and age of ENLIGHTENMENT IN 2010?!? "i" AM SO GLAD THAT MANY WOMEN ARE CHOOSING CAREERS AND BEING MOTHERS WITH OUT ANY CONTACT WITH A MALE...IT IS LONG PAST THE TIME WHEN WOMEN HAVE NO SAY OVER THEIR LIVES WHICH HAS ROBBED US AS A GENDER INTO SECOND CLASS CITIZENS AT BEST AND s*xUAL OBJECTS AT WORST!!!!!! (SMILE)
i HAVE BEEN THINKING THE PAST FEW HOURS HOW WE HAVE THE NERVES TO WONDER WHY A FEMALE WILL CHOOSE TO REMAIN IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE????????????????("I" AM NOT SMILING)
Bless all parents who teach their children to be their own person...to love and respect their own selves as constructive members of the human race...
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA
My only problem with this is whose best interest is at stake...and, why in cases like this the female is treated as an object, (marrage is to have children?!?) and not as a human being with the powers to make mistakes/ positives CHOICES as well as their parents or any other human being?!? (smile)
But, my major bias is "I" am one who refuse to go beyond the INDIVIDUAL as being the only expert on what is, is not best for them therefore "I" actually have no answer, only more questions on ths matter, E. (smile)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA
