Most of my life when folks would ask about my childhood, I would sum up the whole experience with, “Momma beat everybody in the house but daddy, and daddy beat up everybody.” Momma was at least predictable. Every morning we’d tip toe into the kitchen one by one and hold our breath. Who ever she spoke to first was chosen; their day would be hell, but the rest of us were safe. On the other hand, anything might set daddy off; he’d hurl his fists and demeaning slurs with the wild abandon of a toddler in the throes of a tantrum. His favorite hobby was to make me stand naked in front of him while he delivered his banal “apologies.”
Fast forward to my daughter’s dad beating me for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Took me 10 years to get sick and tired enough to get myself out of that, and 2 more to realize that a punk stood up to will run like the pathetic refuse rodent he is. Somewhere between my daddy’s house and that man’s, I was raped at gunpoint by an acquaintance. He confided his plan to steal the cashbox at a BSA fundraiser, and I warned the “brothers.” Well, bless their “revolutionary” hearts, they moved the money, but not one of them moved, or even uttered a word, when John drug me out of the party with a .22 to my head.
Do ya’ll wanna know about the breakdowns? Do you want to hear about the perpetual struggle with PTSD? I can spout a litany of trust issues, s*xual issues, self-esteem issues and issues with issues. Will that help you? If I stand naked before you, and let you count my scars, will it convince you domestic abuse is all too real and its effect are both devastating and permanent?
Look ya’ll I ain’t nobody, and my mouth certainly ain’t no prayer book. My testimony, my power is, baby, I’m still here. I’ve come through the conflagration, and yeah, I smell a little smoky, but, Glory to God, I’m still here. And I tell you, with all the love and experience, still standing can muster, if you’re being abused, GET OUT. Get out now. Don’t make excuses; don’t be diverted by imaginations of hearts, flowers and if onlys. Get out; call your momma, your sister or a shelter; don’t go for no songs and dances about obligation and praying through. He ain’t worth it; he’s not going to change, but you will. You’ll crumble and die from with-in; the fear and self-loathing will kill you. No, baby, he ain’t worth it, but you are. You are worth valuing and protecting; you’re worthy or respect and celebration. You deserve to attain every plan and purpose. I’m still here, and I can tell you, on the other side of the fire, your dreams can still come true.
Stop wondering why you’re abused. Stop trying to fix yourself and/or your abuser. Make a new decision. Decide that everyone has the right to be loved, honored and protected; take a stand that you’ll be the first to give those precious gifts to yourself. It’s not that easy, but it is just that simple. Tell the face in the mirror how much you love and value it every time you see it. Speak to yourself only good things regarding yourself; drown those negative tapes in your head with your new truth. “I am not a victim; I will not accept abuse from anyone, including myself.” It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it right now; trust that if you just keep saying it, you will. You’ll believe it, you’ll teach it; you…will break the cycle of violence and give birth to a new freedom of unlimited potential, not just in your own life, but in the lives, you touch/influence everyday.
Continue the discussion on Inspirational Voices, Sunday, 5 PM EST on Blogtalk Radio. Join Counselor, Motivational Speaker and Author Joyce Farrar-Rosemon and her guest Author, Publisher and abuse conqueror Michelle Roberts of Not Ur Momma’s News as they explore the magnetic quality that binds co-dependent persons to their abusers. During the show listeners can call (347) 996-3292 to speak directly to the host or guest or join the online chat at Inspirational Voices
Download Joyce Farrar-Rosemon’s book How to Get to the Palace, From Your Prison, Joseph’s 14-Step Program to Overcome Loneliness, Depression, Discrimination, Barrenness & Abusehere
Download Michelle Roberts’ book Start Your Business Today Without One Thin Dimehere
This sounds like a best seller! For real. Anyway, I'd like to remember to listen to this show. Maybe you should send out some email reminders. My book, which will be officially released in February, "BLACK MEN STOP!" http://tinyurl.com/blackmenstop, discusses abuse in relationships; how that abuse destroys families; hurts children. Go to my website, click on ABOUT THE AUTHOR, as a reporter I did a story on the life of an abused sister and how she killed him. WATCH it! Bless the work you're doing.
Sunday, January 3rd 2010 at 1:57AM
g smallwood
Powerful blog post and topic. Good luck with your book's success. I'm more interested in your book on starting a business. I think I'll check that out.
BTW, men aren't the only abusers. I never touch my women nor my kids. And for those who say spare the rod, spoil the child should know that I'm willing to bet there isn't a smarter, more well-rounded kid alive than mine. That being said, I have known plenty of abusive grandmothers, mothers and wives.
Sunday, January 3rd 2010 at 8:11AM
Craig Amos
Craig, domestic violence is a significant problem in our country in all of our communities. It can not be summarized by an "everybody" does it tag. This should not become a man against woman argument. Women are many, many times abused more by men than the other way around. Period. And there are men and women who never tell or report it. I believe if committing ongoing violence or being a victim of ongoing violence is part of a relationship, the safest solution is to just walk away!!
In the United States, approximately, 5.3 million women are abused by men every year, compared to 835,000 men abused by women. What is startling, black women are more likely to be murdered or killed by their black male partner. Those are the facts.
It cripples families, injures, maims and kills; leaves children scarred.
Sunday, January 3rd 2010 at 10:10AM
g smallwood
