Do husbands/wives practice 'Emotional Blackmail' on each other? (1674 hits)

This article seeks to impart wisdom from the Wise Men and Women on the topic of emotional blackmailing and free you from the clutches of whoever may be tormenting you in your personal life. For many of us, the term blackmail is one that conjures up sinister images of criminals, fear and extortion. Certainly it’s difficult to think of your husband or wife, your parents, your bosses, your siblings or even your children in that context. Yet blackmail is the only term that accurately describes what’s really going on. The very sharpness of the word helps us pierce the denial and confusion that cloud so many relationships, and doing that brings us to clarity. Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don’t do what they want. At the heart of any kind of blackmail is one basic threat, which can be expressed in many different ways: If you don’t behave the way I want you to, you will suffer. A criminal blackmailer might threaten to use knowledge about a person’s past to ruin your reputation, or ask to be paid off in cash to hide a secret. Emotional blackmailer hits closer to home. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationship with them. They know our vulnerabilities. Often they know our deepest secrets. And no matter how much they care about us, when they fear they won’t get their way, they use this intimate knowledge to shape the threats that give them the payoff they want: our complete compliance to do their will!

Knowing that we want love or approval, our blackmailers threaten to withhold it or to take it away altogether, or make us feel we must earn it. For example, if you pride yourself on being generous and caring, the blackmailer might label you selfish or inconsiderate if you don’t agree to their wishes. If you value money and security, the blackmailer might attach conditions to providing them or threaten to take them away. And if you believe the blackmailer, you could fall into a pattern of letting them control your decisions and behavior. How many of us are casualties on the battlefield of our partner’s sick, twisted and juvenile ego? How many of us have held ourselves back from shining for fear of outshining our partners?

Are you the victim of Emotional Blackmail? Do important people in your life:
Threaten to make your life difficult if you don’t do what they want?
Yes_____ No _____
Constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don’t do what they want? Yes_____ No _____
Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves or become depressed if you don’t do what they want? Yes_____ No _____
Always want more, no matter how much you give? Yes_____ No _____
Regularly assume you will give in to them? Yes_____ No _____
Feel they have to remind you who they are and what they have accomplished in life? Yes_____ No _____
Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants? Yes_____ No _____
Make lavish promises that are contingent on your behavior and then rarely keep them? Yes_____ No _____
Consistently label you as selfish, bad, greedy, unfeeling or uncaring when you don’t give in to them?
Yes_____ No _____
Shower you with approval when you give in to them and take it away when you don’t? Yes_____ No _____
Use money as a weapon to get their way? Yes_____ No _____

What’s going on here? Why do certain people leave us thinking “I’ve lost again. I always give in. I didn’t say what I was really feeling. Why can’t I ever get my point across? How come I can never stand up for myself?” We know we’ve been had. We know we feel frustrated and resentful, and we know we’ve given up what we want to please someone else, but we just don’t know what to do about it. Why is it that some people are able to emotionally overpower us, leaving us feeling defeated?

TYPES OF BLACKMAILERS
(1) The Punisher--very direct about their demands, clearly state the consequences
(2) The Self-Punisher--uses threats of self harm to manipulate the resistant one through fear, obligation and guilt
(3) The Sufferer--the martyr who believes they’ve done everything for others and suffered because of it and don’t hesitate to remind them so they will feel sorry for them
(4) The Tantalizer--uses bribery, knowing they have something the other wants

EMOTIONS FELT BY VICTIMS OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
They feel insecure, unimportant, unworthy and generally bad about themselves
They doubt their ideas and needs
They feel isolated
They may have consistent physical ailments as a result of the stress
They always feel as if they in a FOG unable to think clearly as a result of being manipulated to feel Fear, Obligation and Guilt
The people we’re coming up against in these can’t win situations are skillful manipulators. They wrap us in a comforting intimacy when they get what they want, but they frequently wind up threatening us in order to get their way, or burying us under a load of guilt and self reproach when they don’t. It may seem as though they map out ways to get what they want from us, but often they’re not even aware of what they’re doing. In fact, many can appear sweet or long suffering and not threatening at all.

Generally, it’s one particular person – a marriage partner, a parent, a sibling, a friend – who manipulates us so consistently that we seem to forget everything we know about being effective adults. Though we may be skilled and successful in other parts of our lives, with these people we feel bewildered and powerless. It’s like they’ve got us wrapped around their little fingers.

Manipulative people are quick to make quiet or loud threats and they are usually powerfully effective. Often we give in to the manipulators because making them happy seems to make sense. Manipulative people know how to present things as if everything is at stake if you don’t do this or that. Often we find ourselves feeling resentful and frustrated at the manipulators open or veiled threats, but we justify our capitulation to them in the name of peace.

In such relationships, we keep our focus on the other person’s needs at the expense of our own, and we relax into the temporary illusion of safety we’ve created for ourselves by giving in. We’ve avoided conflict, confrontation – and the chance of a healthy relationship.

Maddening interactions like these are among the most common causes of friction in almost every relationship, yet they’re rarely identified and understood. Often these instances of manipulation get labeled miscommunication. But in reality, the source of friction isn’t in communication styles. It’s more in one person getting his or her way at the expense of another. These are more than simple misunderstandings – they’re power struggles. The people close to us who use emotional blackmail are rarely individuals who wake up every morning saying, “How can I destroy my victim?” Rather, they are people for whom blackmail is the ticket to feeling safe and in charge. No matter how confident they look on the outside, blackmailers are operating out of high degrees of anxiety.

Each of us brings into any relationship our own potent set of hot buttons – our stored up resentments, regrets, insecurities, fears, angers. These are our soft spots, places that hurt when touched. Emotional blackmail can only operate when we let people know they’ve found our hot buttons and that we’ll jump when they push them. Maybe we’re just simply people pleasers. Take a quick inventory by checking the items below that apply to you. When I give into someone who’s pressuring me, I do it because:

I’m afraid of their disapproval Yes_____ No _____
I’m afraid of their anger. Yes_____ No _____
I’m afraid they won’t like / love me anymore and may even leave me.
Yes_____ No _____
I owe it to them. Yes_____ No _____
They’ve done so much for me, I can’t say no. Yes_____ No _____
It’s my duty. Yes_____ No _____
I’ll feel too guilty if I don’t. Yes_____ No _____
I’ll feel selfish / unloving / greedy / mean if I don’t. Yes_____ No _____
I won’t be a good person if I don’t. Yes_____ No _____

Enough is absolutely enough. We have to disconnect from the obligation button. One of the best ways to start changing some of the beliefs you have about the obligations that are making you feel resentful and stressed out is to see them in black and white. Then you can begin to challenge them. Start by making a list of what the other person expects from you. Here are some good suggestions to get you started:
__________________ (name) assumes / expects / demands that I will:

Drop everything to help them Yes_____ No _____
Come running when they call Yes_____ No _____
Take care of them physically / emotionally / financially Yes_____ No _____
Always do what they want during holidays, vacations or leisure time
Yes_____ No _____
Listen to their problems no matter how I’m feeling Yes_____ No _____
Always bail them out of trouble Yes_____ No _____
Put my work, interests, friends and activities last Yes_____ No _____
Never leave them even if they make me miserable Yes_____ No _____

Now rewrite each statement by preceding it with the phrase “Where is it Written” in capital letters. Notice how different “Where is it Written that I’m not allowed to enjoy the holidays because I have to be with my husband’s family sounds, looks and feels from “My husband expects that we’ll always go to his family for the holidays.” Where is it written that everyone else’s needs are more important than yours? Where is it written that you are supposed to sacrifice your well being to take care of a demanding parent who is perfectly capable of taking care of herself? Where is it written? These seemingly immutable rules, which are keeping you from treating yourself even half as well as you treat other people, are not etched in stone. They exist only in the belief system that is seared into your mind about how you are supposed to be in the world. Stop being willing to be mistreated and dogged out by someone that you love but probably doesn’t love you. Be humble as you begin to make your adjustments but don’t be their doormat. Do not allow anyone to run over you anymore. Do not allow anyone to play you cheap or disrespect what you know and are perfectly willing to bring to the table ever again. Stand up for yourself, respect yourself and love yourself. Now what’s your opinion on the topic of Emotional Blackmail?
Posted By: Brother Marcus!
Friday, July 31st 2009 at 10:26PM
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