Are you a Stubborn Fool in your Marriage? (1810 hits)
Is stubbornness a trait of yours? Has it gotten you into a lot of trouble over the years with your husband / wife? Let’s look at a definition of this word. According to the dictionary, stubborn means refusing to move or change one's opinion; obstinate. Many of the marriage problems in our marriages originate from fear, ego or stubbornness. Some of us purposely refuse to do something because our spouse or someone else told us or asked us to do it. Do you do it because you look at them as an authority figure that "can't tell you what to do"? Is our lack of personal discipline due to stubbornness? How many homes are in constant and total disarray? How many of us have clean, unfolded clothes piled on top of our dressers and stuff that we use every day scattered about the room? What is your attitude about cleanliness? Has your husband given up on the idea of asking you to clean your home? Have you become openly defiant to any and all instructions and guidance that comes through your husband or wife? Or do you eventually get around to doing the things they ask you to do in your own good time and not before? Do you do everything in your marriage on ‘your terms’? Be honest with yourself. Are you a defiant stubborn child.. or are you a mature adult?
Many of our Marriages and relationships falter on stubbornness. Graves have been dug with the words, "I'm right." Some of us have spent our short, insecure lives trying to prove every nit-picking point. Some of us may not truly be as committed to any church or religion, because we disagree with the Minister on some minor point. For some of us it would be the end of our world to be proven wrong on anything. Animals are used to display the attitude of stubbornness in human beings. We all have seen mules and goats used and the donkey that pushes all of his legs forward which represent he’s digging his heels in. We have also seen the notorious bull that snorts steam from his nose as well. Oh and there is the picture of the woman with her arms crossed, eyes closed and nose up in the air to consider and two groups of children having a tug-of-war. Two men arm wrestling is a sign of stubbornness, especially if they have been going for a while and are pretty red in the face. You've probably seen scenes like that before, where they keep going back and forth and no one wins for a long time. I am just trying to create a picture for you of how we look in the eyes of our children stubbornly contending with each other over every little detail as their parents. There is an African metaphor that says, “When the elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.”
The stubborn husband and the stubborn Muslim! Two people arguing and fussing with each other and both think that they have God on their side. A stubborn person resists, whether his or her reasons are valid or not. The adamant person can't stand to lose face; ergo, he/she is always right, which is ludicrous, for who can be always absolutely right? We are stubborn because we are often too proud to back down. This relates to our self esteem. Stubborn people have a lack of self esteem and this causes them to worry about damaging their pride. If they back down, it’s like accepting defeat and recognizing the other person's superiority. This is why they will continue to be stubborn, holding their ground often even when they know they are actually wrong. On the other hand, the healthy and positive brother / sister is willing to listen to reason and change his/her mind. This person is willing to change thoughts and feelings if, upon reanalysis of the situation, basic convictions are not compromised. The really confident brother / sister will concede a point to common sense, whereas the obstinate person concedes nothing. This person does not possess an opinion – it possesses him / her! Unfortunately the "always-right" person dies by degrees from loneliness. After all, who wants to be proven wrong all the time? Stubbornness and stupidity are twins.
Stubbornness is the uncompromising insistence on having our own way. As such, stubbornness is negative. It involves a kind of blindness, along with a willful rejection of evidence and the perspectives of others. Stubbornness is particularly evident when the compromise required is easy. If the evidence you need to convince you to change your mind is readily available, or if accepting another's perspective would mean giving up little of importance, then your refusal to yield is not reasonable, but is motivated by stubbornness. There is little to lose except your desire to be in control. Such rigid clinging to your own will hurts the believing community and your own family because you refuse to cooperate with others, and it also prevents you from becoming successful and virtuous. We have to accept responsibility for the damage we have done to the community by our stubbornness.
What are you and your wife stubbornly arguing and holding firm to? Many men believe they are married to a stubborn woman! But the sister maybe only appears to be stubborn for many different reasons. For example, a woman may be stubborn because her husband has already developed a wrong conception about how a good wife should be. Is that true of you brother? Are you saying your wife is stubborn and rebellious because she won’t fit into this nice little picture you have in your mind about and for her? Is your wife allowed by you to accept her own and be herself? Have you formulated some idealistic picture of what a woman should be and can be and will be if she is going to be married to you? To hell with your picture, deal with the reality of the sister! It’s only when you become married to a sister that you will get to see a full picture of what being married to her really looks like and is like. Some men have a twisted and skewed perception about how a wife should act and they expect total obedience from their wife without any resistance or thinking. Brother, what planet are you living on? These sisters aren’t having that today!
Because both brothers and sisters have pictures of perfection in their minds eye about what each other is supposed to do and be about in the homes now some of us are not even speaking to each other in our marriages. Some of us are not even sleeping in the same rooms with our spouses anymore and have not slept with our spouse for years. Why would you deny yourself access to heaven over some minor, trivial, misunderstanding? When I was a young boy, I can remember a song called, “What a friend we have in Jesus”. The verses of the song went like this, “What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and grief to bear. What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!” In some of our homes we argue with each other incessantly. In some of our homes some of us are very stubborn about the state of our finances. Brothers, even though our hustle may not be making the pre-requisite income needed to sustain our families we still may be stubbornly clinging to the same old ideas about how to make money in this modern day and time. We can be stubborn about our involvement in our respective churches. Sometimes either the husband or the wife desires to give more time and service to their church and their spouse is against that idea. We can be stubborn about our gradually declining health condition. Sometimes a husband or wife begins to slide into becoming a fat and greasy due to their lack of dietary discipline and their spouse is definitely against that idea!
Another reason for stubbornness may be the mental or psychological disorders of the husband / wife. Some brothers and sisters are pathologically jealous and possessive. This may create problems for the marriage. How many husbands / wife’s are creating havoc in their marriages because of their suspicions and self centered attitudes? Sometimes what appears as stubbornness may also be caused by psychological problems that are affecting the husband / wife. If you are not a doctor you may not know how to properly diagnose what is going on within your husband or wife. Let us strive to remember that our husbands and wives have certain good qualities and some intolerable qualities and we should avoid our feelings of intolerance to the negative aspects of the spouse and appreciate the positive ones. My teacher taught me to always look for the best in people. Are you stubborn about your mental health? Do you have a diagnosed or undiagnosed mental condition that is now spilling out into your relationship with your spouse? Are you already on medication? Are you taking your meds like you have been instructed to take?
Are you a stubborn spouse about getting your blood pressure checked? Are you near a stroke and don’t know it? Have you as a man got your prostate checked? Was it recently or 10 years ago? You know you need one with all the meat you are eating every day. Why does your wife have to beg you to take better care of yourself? Don’t you want to be around to see your grandchildren one day, God willing? Are you a stubborn spouse about the need to make a move in your life or your family’s life? How long will you keep putting up road blocks and excuses to move forward? Why are you always holding back? Are you like this because at the root of you, you are a stubborn brother or sister? Do you even read the Bible or any kind of Scriptures anymore? If the word of God doesn’t inspire you anymore then you are really in trouble. Many of us are suffering from the importance of being important and the busyness of busyness.
Finally, here is some advice on how to deal with a stubborn husband / wife:
A stubborn husband / wife is someone who is unreasonable and often refuses to change their mind about an idea or an action. Stubborn husbands / wives often refuse to give a clear explanation or reason for their resistance.
Reasons and situations that might cause your husband or wife to be stubborn:
Defending an idea: Some stubborn husbands / wives believe that if their ideas are abandoned, then they are unimportant. They strongly identify themselves with their ideas. They often feel that their identity will be threatened if their spouses aren’t convinced by what they are saying.
Your stubborn husbands / wives have a reason that they can't reveal: Sometimes a stubborn person may have a strong reason for refusing to change their mind but will not tell why.
Tips on how to deal with a stubborn husband or wife
1. Pray to Almighty God before you do anything and remember 7 times that “God is sufficient for you in all of your needs.” Also, remember that you have some stubbornness in you as well.
2. Examine your interests and prioritize the interests that are most important to you. For example, perhaps you are more concerned about decisions about dealing with children, money, or issues relating to your personal independence. The issues that are most important to you deserve the greatest effort from you. Remember they also have issues as well so be balanced and just. Who is representing the interests of the children?
3. Listen carefully when you talk with your stubborn husband / wife. Listen closely to what they are saying. If what they say is not clear, keep asking questions to find out what underlies their approach. When they finish talking you can say, "I want to make sure I understood you properly. Did you say 'x, y. & z'?" Let them know you are listening; make it clear that you expect them to listen to you. You can say, "I listened to you, now please listen to me."
4. Try to understand their reasons and encourage them to speak honestly (in a non-confrontational manner). Remember that resolution is possible as long as one partner wishes to keep trying.
God willing, next week we will get to this “fool” part of the discussion and why everybody plays the fool. Please feel free to add to our discussion or comment on this site.
Striving to love you with the love you all with the love of the God, Brother Marcus!, A Marriage and Pre-Marriage Counselor 404-542-3808 http://thebrothermarcusshow.ning.com/
