Regrets and Reflections that have Surfaced since Veronica came into my Life.
Background: Veronica is my 14 year old cousin who came to stay with me last Wed. Her mother Sheri is a crack addict and has been on drugs for over 20 years. Her mother threw her out into the street in the middle of the night. Below are my thoughts and feelings about the circumstances and situations.
Now at age 50 I regret and am very sorry that I never married or had children. I now realize that a woman without a child is like a ship without an anchor.
Reaching middle-age and being alone and childless means you have accomplished nothing.
It is wonderful to have many college degrees, a good job and of course a decent place to live but if you have no one to share it with your life is empty. Having Veronica here with me has shown me how empty, lonely and meaningless my life really is. Veronica has brought meaning, joy, happiness and fulfillment to my life. Now I have somebody to live for. Veronica gives me a purpose in life.
This experience has forced me to realize that there was a hole in my life that needed to be filled. I have felt but not voiced for a long time that something was missing. I knew that I was not complete as a woman. Now I see why my Muslim and Middle-Eastern friends and many Black friends have been telling me that I need to get married or have a child in my life. I laughed it all off for years but in the last two years I stopped laughing.
The carefree swinging single days of my 20s and 30s ended May 1995 and August 1998 when my parents died. Even though I skillfully hid it I began an emotional and psychological slide downward. Somehow between 1999 and Nov. 2006 I managed to earn my BA in English from Marymount Manhattan College, get promoted at my previous job at United Way and even have a boyfriend. But after I got laid off from United Way in December 2006 the facades I built for myself began to fall. An abusive relationship, which God delivered me from; middle-age, physical illness, a dead-end, low paying job all hit one after the other. In other words Reality set in.
I suppose I always had that maternal instinct even though I never admitted it. When I was young I just transferred my motherly feelings to my brother Stephen or to various pets I had as a child and as an adult. However now even though Stephen is mentally retarded and autistic his condition has improved. He holds down a job, has his own friends and his own life. He loves me but does not need me the way he used to, plus because of our schedules we do not see each other as much as we want anyway. Despite what people might think developmentally disabled people do get better, albeit slowly but they improve and advance just like so-called "normal" people.
While it is very nice to have cats they are not people. Yes pets are loving and faithful but they don't live very long and they cannot talk to you. Much as I love my cat I am very glad to have Veronica in my life. Oh yes, I was that kid and young adult who was always sneaking into my parent's home the neighbor stray cats and dogs. Every morning my parents would open the door to the basement or look in the backyard and find some type of animal I had let in the night before. Of course my Mom and Dad "released" them right back into the neighborhood. They were not trying to be the ASPCA of St. Albans, Queens, NY!!
For several years I have secretly wanted to recreate that family life, that happy childhood of the 1960s and 70s. Veronica was born October 5, 1994. I always felt a special connection to her from birth. Because of her mother's drug problems Veronica and I spent a lot of time together from when she was a very little girl. When I was working at United Way I took a two week leave of absence from work and had Roni with me. Those were the most wonderful and pleasurable 2 weeks of my life. I took her everywhere with me; the theater, the museum, Coney Island aquarium, the movies, just all over. We always had a lot of fun. Roni and I continued to spend time together all while she was growing up. She is a quiet, peaceful, well-mannered young lady. As well as being very beautiful, she is also very intelligent, co-operative and obedient. All-in-all a good girl.
With Roni I felt a bond that I did not feel for any other child in my family even though I love all my young cousins. Maybe Veronica and I were meant to have a special relationship. I don't know what this means but in the last twenty years many times I have wondered why God gave Sheri, a drug addict who has lost good jobs, apartments and who repeatedly abandoned her children; three beautiful children and me who has tried to do the right thing even though I have sinned many times no husband and worst of all no children. Maybe in this late stage of my life God is finally answering my prayers. Pray petitions I have come to the Lord with since I was in my 30s. Still I wonder why it took God so long. However even though from time to time I question my faith, I will never give up my Christianity or my faith in God. Jesus is everything for me. He is truly the, "Author and Finisher of my Faith".
Thanks to all my Sisters for reading, listening and understanding. Amen.
Love, DeBorah
Now at age 50 I regret and am very sorry that I never married or had children. I now realize that a woman without a child is like a ship without an anchor.
Reaching middle-age and being alone and childless means you have accomplished nothing.
It is wonderful to have many college degrees, a good job and of course a decent place to live but if you have no one to share it with your life is empty. Having Veronica here with me has shown me how empty, lonely and meaningless my life really is. Veronica has brought meaning, joy, happiness and fulfillment to my life. Now I have somebody to live for. Veronica gives me a purpose in life.
This experience has forced me to realize that there was a hole in my life that needed to be filled. I have felt but not voiced for a long time that something was missing. I knew that I was not complete as a woman. Now I see why my Muslim and Middle-Eastern friends and many Black friends have been telling me that I need to get married or have a child in my life. I laughed it all off for years but in the last two years I stopped laughing.
The carefree swinging single days of my 20s and 30s ended May 1995 and August 1998 when my parents died. Even though I skillfully hid it I began an emotional and psychological slide downward. Somehow between 1999 and Nov. 2006 I managed to earn my BA in English from Marymount Manhattan College, get promoted at my previous job at United Way and even have a boyfriend. But after I got laid off from United Way in December 2006 the facades I built for myself began to fall. An abusive relationship, which God delivered me from; middle-age, physical illness, a dead-end, low paying job all hit one after the other. In other words Reality set in.
I suppose I always had that maternal instinct even though I never admitted it. When I was young I just transferred my motherly feelings to my brother Stephen or to various pets I had as a child and as an adult. However now even though Stephen is mentally retarded and autistic his condition has improved. He holds down a job, has his own friends and his own life. He loves me but does not need me the way he used to, plus because of our schedules we do not see each other as much as we want anyway. Despite what people might think developmentally disabled people do get better, albeit slowly but they improve and advance just like so-called "normal" people.
While it is very nice to have cats they are not people. Yes pets are loving and faithful but they don't live very long and they cannot talk to you. Much as I love my cat I am very glad to have Veronica in my life. Oh yes, I was that kid and young adult who was always sneaking into my parent's home the neighbor stray cats and dogs. Every morning my parents would open the door to the basement or look in the backyard and find some type of animal I had let in the night before. Of course my Mom and Dad "released" them right back into the neighborhood. They were not trying to be the ASPCA of St. Albans, Queens, NY!!
For several years I have secretly wanted to recreate that family life, that happy childhood of the 1960s and 70s. Veronica was born October 5, 1994. I always felt a special connection to her from birth. Because of her mother's drug problems Veronica and I spent a lot of time together from when she was a very little girl. When I was working at United Way I took a two week leave of absence from work and had Roni with me. Those were the most wonderful and pleasurable 2 weeks of my life. I took her everywhere with me; the theater, the museum, Coney Island aquarium, the movies, just all over. We always had a lot of fun. Roni and I continued to spend time together all while she was growing up. She is a quiet, peaceful, well-mannered young lady. As well as being very beautiful, she is also very intelligent, co-operative and obedient. All-in-all a good girl.
With Roni I felt a bond that I did not feel for any other child in my family even though I love all my young cousins. Maybe Veronica and I were meant to have a special relationship. I don't know what this means but in the last twenty years many times I have wondered why God gave Sheri, a drug addict who has lost good jobs, apartments and who repeatedly abandoned her children; three beautiful children and me who has tried to do the right thing even though I have sinned many times no husband and worst of all no children. Maybe in this late stage of my life God is finally answering my prayers. Pray petitions I have come to the Lord with since I was in my 30s. Still I wonder why it took God so long. However even though from time to time I question my faith, I will never give up my Christianity or my faith in God. Jesus is everything for me. He is truly the, "Author and Finisher of my Faith".
Thanks to all my Sisters for reading, listening and understanding. Amen.
Love, DeBorah
You come from St. Albans? I'm from Hollis!!! But we were on the St. Albans side of Hollis Ave.
Re your blog, I strongly disagree with your comment that you " have accomplished nothing". You have brought love and stability into Veronica's life, for a start.
For many years, I have felt unfulfilled because of being childless - not through choice. I have not eliminated these feelings completely. But a healer told me many years ago, some women are meant to be mothers to the whole community. Although they do not have children of their own, they care for everyone.
You have started down this road, and what you are doing is so positive. It is crucial that your recognise this and keep going.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Zhana