What Women Can Learn From Cain And Long Scandals (857 hits)
Is it still a good thing for a woman to "stand by her man" even after he has violated the marriage, stomped on his vows, and humiliated his wife and family in public?
From Herman Cain to Eddie Long: High-profile Atlanta black marriages fail publicly This past weekend was very eventful on the high-profile "Atlanta black marriage" front.
First, we saw GOP presidential hopeful and Georgia native Herman Cain announce on Saturday that he was going to "suspend" his presidential campaign amid serious allegations of s*xual harassment, and more critically new allegations that he had engaged in a 13 year long adulterous affair with Atlanta resident Ginger White.
Also in Atlanta this weekend, the Bishop Eddie Long announced he was taking a "sabbatical" from New Birth congregation when news broke that his wife of 21 years, Vanessa Long, has filed for a divorce.
But what makes this weekend more interesting to me, is what we all witnessed from two high-profile black men, and their wives. Both Gloria Cain and Vanessa Long are black women who hail from the "Baby Boom" generation, and both have handled the s*xual peccadillo's and improprieties of their husbands in similar and yet, very different manners. ...
The reality is that we have not seen this before in the public arena in the lives of black folks.
Yes, we have watched former President Bill Clinton, former Governors Elliot Spitzer and Mark Sanford humiliate their wives with s*xual affairs, and we've suffered others like now GOP front-runner Newt Gingrich who is on his third wife (who was also his staff aide) and was his lover while he was still married to his second wife
What we have not seen before is a serious black political candidate like Herman Cain who has had to weather moral charges on a national scale, and unlike his predecessors (who are mostly white men) be able to survive the political and personal damage. The same goes for Bishop Long who has been under intense scrutiny for months amidst allegations that he coerced young teen men to have s*x with him as their spiritual father and leader.
....The real question, however, that will be discussed over office coffee breaks this morning and lunch later today, is what to make of Gloria Cain and Vanessa Long. Is it still a good thing for a woman to "stand by her man" even after he has violated the marriage, stomped on his vows, and humiliated his wife and family in public?
The real question, however, that will be discussed over office coffee breaks this morning and lunch later today, is what to make of Gloria Cain and Vanessa Long. Is it still a good thing for a woman to "stand by her man" even after he has violated the marriage, stomped on his vows, and humiliated his wife and family in public? ....
At some point, we as women of a new generation are going to need to set our own standards in this regard, because to be candid, I do not have much respect for Gloria Cain or Vanessa Long. Both of these women had to know that their respective husbands were catting around (or worse), and when they did come to know with a certainty, what did they do about it?
Sadly, not much. Clearly, a marriage is a unique institution between the man and the woman in that marriage, but when it comes to the values we are teaching our girls and young women of a new generation, I have to say that the "Baby Boomer" wives, starting with former First lady Hillary Clinton have failed us all with their adoring, smiling, waving, or even heart broken faces (Silda Spitzer comes to mind) as they stand next to or behind men that are simply put: CADS.
As for Vanessa Long, she has finally decided to divorce her husband after a year of what can only have been the most horrific of personal tragedies. Being married to a man who is a spiritual leader to millions, head of your household, and national figure only to find out he has been sleeping with teen boys and young men has to be devastating.
But, I go back to my earlier point: Vanessa Long and Gloria Cain are nobody's fools. They had to know what was going on as first rumors circulated, and then bonafide allegations came to light. Both of these women have daughters, and young women in their lives that look up to them for guidance and mentoring. So what is the message Mrs. Cain and Mrs. Long have sent to our young women:
1. Stand by your man at any cost, even at the cost of your own personal worth and self-esteem
2. No matter "how far we have come baby" -- we have not come far enough because we are still expected to put up with men's antics and do so with a humiliating smile. Grin and bear it girls.
3. "Look the other way" when you know your spouse is engaged in illegal, unethical, or immoral behavior (s*xual or otherwise). Plausible deniability works.
4. Silence is golden, even when your family is being destroyed
5. Boys will be boys so let's not over-react to their bad behavior and let's understand they cannot help themselves so it is our job to stand by them at all costs
Let me close by saying as a black woman of Generation X, I categorically reject the example that Vanessa Long and Gloria Cain have provided us to date. As a Christian woman I respect and ...
...The reality is that we have not seen this before in the public arena in the lives of black folks. ...
I can name some Black figures... Jesse Jackson Sr & Jesse Jackson Jr( both are politicians that are still married), Michael Jordon, Shaquille O'neal (not married), etc...
Well let's not forget that Jesse Sr. had a baby out of wedlock, and his wife stayed - sooooo...What exactly is your point?
We have seen this, and let's be honest does it really make a difference whether we're seeing this in our culture or any other culture; Men are men, black or white, brown or yellow, rich or poor, and apparently they're behaviors are consistent across the board.
With regards to this article, she is really setting the wrong precedent. First of all, how do you lose respect for individuals you don't know anything about. It's like trying to assess the lives of these reality tv stars, do you actually think you're seeing the reality of these folk - hardly.
This is a teachable moment for sure for our young women. But we certainly can't have them believing that because these women handled a situation one way that is the way it's supposed to be handled.
We should teach our young girls and women, that relationships are tricky and complicated, saved and unsaved. And the best thing to do is understand the situation you're in; understand yourself. Don't let anyone, man or women, define who you are as an individual; don't wrap your hopes and dreams up inside of anyone except our Savior.
We should not be damning these women to hell because they made a decision to stay in their marriages. No one can understand how difficult it is to walk away from a relationship that has some real history, unless they've really walked a mile in those shoes.
We need to stop being so quick to judge and get understanding first.
{Well let's not forget that Jesse Sr. had a baby out of wedlock, and his wife stayed - - sooooo...What exactly is your point? }
My point was that the lady who authored the commentary said she'd not seen this before and she's probably right... she's too, young to know probably that Jackson, Sr. was a political figure who had a s*x scandal play out in the media. Let's also remember that Gloria Cain is (also for the time being) still with her spouse ( who has managed to render what most Black women would consider the ULTIMATE INSULT... creeping with White women according to the movie "Waiting to Exhale") with or without a love child that she knows of...
Who knows ... perhaps that's partly the reason he was supporting Ginger financially... and I also thank you for your comments to this blog although we might not see eye to eye on certain points. Get my point ((Lol))
Furthermore... I don't know why as Black people we try to keep up appearances as if we're perfect and only certain things happen to OTHER FOLK. ... as if we are so much more MORAL.
@Jen, you know, I stopped being surprised by things like that when I suffered my first disappointment from someone I thought could do no wrong. I learned very quickly that people are capable of anything, and that regardless of what your station is in life, you are no different than the flesh you wake up in every day.
Your actions define who you are. That's how you prove yourself. Your actions as controlled by your internal motivations are key indicators of you ability or inability to disappoint. Sad, but oh so true.
I figure if I expect nothing from people, when I get something, it's always a plus - lol...My opinion. My truth.
Wednesday, December 14th 2011 at 11:35PM
Tashana Sims Hudspeth
Ladies,
So very true and until one walks a mile in someone else's shoes, one has no idea what that journey is like for the one who has to walk it. Another thing that I'm learning on this very tough journey of mine is not to be so judgemental of others and to make allowances for other people's faults and weaknesses in order that someone will do the same for me.
